i don't know how this went to those

i look at my friends and thought to myself.

"Patutlah aku single lagi."

"Patutlah I'm still alone."

"They're so much prettiEST, no wonder."

"my kid wont be as cute. they'll follow same path as mine. i shouldnt get married. shouldnt breed."

"I'm too weird, no wonder."

"no mom would like me as their DIL I'm too strange too weird too stupid too ugly too-not-deserving-her-son....

too negative

Ah no wonder

i look at all people i used to have crush with. ada empat kot. kebetulan semua nama mula huruf A oih dah melalut. semua girlfriend depa fuh nala no wonder lah aku kena reject lagi gila nak mampoih dan aku di sini cuma dapat berdoa kalau ada kecantikan pun padaku, tuhan tolong sembunyikan ia dan biarkan yang hak saja nampak.

 aku trauma. sungguh. lelaki yang sepatutnya menjadi pelindung, memilih untuk berlaku sebaliknya.mungkin aku kena peluk je, tapi kesannya ya rabbi sampai sekarang aku tak boleh tengok pak cik tu. apa hak dia nak peluk aku? and what's worse i sthat aku pulak yang takut setiap kali jumpa. and itms not even my fault. i forgot my phone and went back home when everyone's at the kenduri. big mistake. my aunt's husband was there and said he missed me and hugged me. i keep and keep and keep. all relatives thought that i was acting a lot stranger than usual. when we visit their house, i chose not to salam with uncle. and they thought it's because bukan mahram. man i wish it was that. i kept my distance. and one day, dad talked about how he dislike uncle and i thought to myself who should i trust? Ibu or Ayah. logically i thought dad is strong so dad should do something about it. but no. nothing happened. and i thought to myself. whatever couldve been done? we're relatives. it's just an alleged act. i dont have proof. and last week, dad maybe was fooling around. he inserted his fingers into my ears. AND I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE AT ALL WITH HIS ACT but i kept quiet. i thought he was just playing. and i thought why would you joke that way? WHY THE FUCK? 

ya allah lindungi aku dan adik-adik dan semua wanita wanita yang tak berdaya.

and this article of R.Age on Laws Against Child Grooming just lighten up my scars. ya allah why do i feel so weak why god You made us so perfect, but why.

 i just hope i'll get married someday and i should be able to tell him this one day. but it's late and I'm getting tired of waiting and i guess my hope is fading. so i guess i should be stronger to myself aren't i? i will protect my mom and sisters with all my heart. God please protect us :'(