makan angin

aku masak maggi je kot.

i didnt know my mom asked my dad to eat out.

sebab tu bila orang bercakap, dengar.

kenapa? salah ke? tidak kan?

aku tak tahulah ayah aku ni kenapa. kalau bab mintak duit, insyallah mudah (despite some words used). But our dad seldom listen to us.
is it because we are nobody to him? Sibuk je dengan telefon. Kadang kadang aku doa jugak Tuhan hancurkan telefon ayah tu. Tapi, he could just buy another one. that wont solve anything pun. When we talk he rarely listens.

Aku risau ayah aku ada orang lain je. Melawak, melawak jugak. Kalau ayah aku sabar dengan kerenah mak aku, mak aku laaaagi banyak sabar dengan kerenah ayah aku. nobody's perfect.

but he doesnt know. Ayah always thought his patience makes him got through all. Never he understood it is always Ibu who complements all his loopholes. his flaws. i now realised that now.

mak aku dah banyak pendam. sebab tu bila benda kecil jadi pun, aku jadi paham. kenapa sekecil kecil benda mak aku nak bising jugak.
i used to side with Ayah when i thought Ibu was the emotional one. Ibu was always the bad one. Poor Ayah.
No that was not it.

As you grow older, insecurities jumps into your life. you were happy once. But once is not forever. Once is not enough.

and i thought, people with good looks may have been taking their lives for granted.
while people with none are living with insecurities. for the rest of their lives.

these good looking people would never get it. even though they may be have their own insecurities. because the world shines for them.
perhaps not all the time, but most of it.

and sometimes too we might get withdrawn with that good looks. When that good looks might be the best lure with what youre going to deal later in life. The price you might have to pay for it, sometimes might causes you the rest of your lives.

ignorance is bliss. no it's not. it kills people who cares about you.
maybe i just understood that. at the least it is killing my mom little by little.

sometimes you love people so much you give them power to hurt you just a little bit more. and that happens to my Mom rn.


all these things may seem cock and bull tales but then i just dont know where to start. or what to write. because some of them have been lingering in my mind for too long i thought i should keep quiet of it. some of them i thought i should just ignore them. some should be demolished.