Ashamed.

I would feel very, very ashamed of myself if i have to repeat myself to more than one friend about negative things i felt.

It's like, "Why should I let this petty things let me down? I still got a whole lot of things in front of me so why should i chose negative things to bring me down? Kan?"

Priority

Hello again.

Priority? Apa tew.

anggap je la tahu.

I just tweeted,

"Priority. Your life. Get that right."

Sebenarnya aku ada sedikit berperasaan just now. 

Aku ajak kawan aku keluar. Dah banyak kali kena rejek. So, common sense nya, if we have time, kita boleh ajak orang tu kot. At least, cuba lah. I'd REALLY appreciate your effort even though maybe I couldn't make time for you. Setidaknya, bahagian kau dah lepas. Kau dah jalankan 'tanggungjawab' kau untuk mencuba. People like that. 

Sedih jugak lah kita ajak lepak/makan asyik cakap takde duit. Pastu esok tu eh eh dia keluar dengan orang lain tak apa. Padahal aku ni bukan memilih tempat. padahal aku dah cakap mana2 pun tak apa. Asal kita lepak sama. Hmm mungkin aku kurang jelas kot selama ni. 

Kawan oh kawan.

Kalau kita rasa overly attached pun, please, jangan bagitau orang tu lah, kalau boleh. It's either you'll get misunderstood, or you'll get less attention than you ever had, or else.

Bila orang dah salah paham, ha mulalah kalut rasa nak jelaskan keadaan sebenar. tapi betul ke penjelasan kau tu diperlukan? Atau, betul ke penjelasan tu betul2 diterima diorang? 

Ataupun, sebenarnya, you feel so obliged to explain sometimes you don't even tell them what really happened? Perlu ke bagitau yang sebenar benarnya? 

Atau, baik kau bagitahu penjelasan yang sudah bertapis? Filtered explanation? (aku baru reka tiga saat lepas)

semata mata sebab nak jaga hati.

bagi aku, baguslah benda tu.

Menunjukkan yang perasaan sayang kau kat kawan kau tu berbalas.

Bukanlah selama ni, kau aje yang terhegeh hegeh nak kawan dengan diorang, tapi diorang tak pun.

Nobody wants to feel unwanted.

Or feel left out.

Tambah2 daripada kawan kawan yang diorang treasure.

Kalau orang ramai tu, gasak lah.

Mampus lah kau nak dengar cakap semua orang kan.

At least, kalau kawan2 kau cakap, kau boleh pilih, nak ikut ke tak. 

Diorang faham. Insyallah mesti faham.

Sebab hidup ni hidup masing2 kan.

Setidak tidaknya dah lepas tanggungjawab diorang to say something to you at least. (Read: bebelan diorang)

Hidup masing masing.

But you can never chose what to feel.

The only thing left to do is, kawal.

Cuba kawal perasaan kau tu.

Mesti ada sebab kenapa kawan kau buat sesuatu tu.

Fahamkan je la.

Tak faham pun, buat buat je faham.

kadang2 diorang bukan nak sangat kau faham. Diorang cuma nak support kau tu. Support tu penting. Walaupun kau kadang2 tak paham apa je benda yang kau support untuk diorang tu. wkwkwkwk.

Sebab kalau orang tu rasa dia perlu explain, dia akan.

Tapi kalau dia rasa dengan penjelasan dia tu akan lagi keruhkan keadaan, dan sebab tu dia pilih untuk tidak bagi penjelasan, takpe.

Pujuk hati kau tu.

Some things are better left unspoken.

Plus, i learnt that it never hurts not to know things you aren't supposed to. 

Tentu ada sebab kenapa Tuhan taknak kau tau dari awal.

Kalau aku quote buku Aleph, dia cakap gini.

"if we had spoken before, you would not have been ripe. If we were to talk later, you would have rotted."

Ingat tu.

Dan satu lagi, 

"Either learn to love thorns or don't accept any roses."

If you want to have relationship with someone else other than yourself, bear with them. 

If they can, why can't you ?

p.s. Supposedly nak cakap. Priorities. Your CALL. Get that right. -_-

kosong.

i don't know man. i feel so empty.

just what have i done for my life as of now?

had some talk with a stranger and it made me think a lot about my future.

ke mana hala tuju aku?

apa aku nak buat dengan hidup aku ni?

almost feels like i have been given a text book after all these years to guide me throughout my years and now i don't see the textbook anymore. 

Or maybe i don't need one anymore.

Tempat makan marhaen.

Wokey. setakat duduk Shah Alam Seksyen 7 ni aku dah detect mana2 tempat yang aku suka makan.

Kalau laksa, aku suka pi makan kat gerai kecik kat corner depan Bangunan Worldwide ni.

Kalau rasa nak makan mi bandung ke, mi rebus ke, sotong kangkung ke, tahu bakar ke, aku pi Restoran Bisik Bisik.

Kalau nak makan char kuetiau, aku pi Restoran Sri Gemilang area Danaumas.

Kalau nak megi goreng telur mata, aku suka pi Ali's Corner.

Kalau nak makan Hot & Roll aku slalu pi yang kat Caltex sec3 tu. Awal2 pagi seawal jam 9 kot aku rasa dah buka. kena baik2 sikit dgn makcik indon tu, baru boleh dapat extra toppings teehee.

Rasa rajin sikit dan macam nak celebrate, aku suka pi ss15. Situ ada

- Tryst cafe, ada pancakes, segala waffle bawah rm10.

 - Upstairs Cafe, kopi2 dia best. makanan dia pun. tapi sekarang macam dah overpriced sikit.

- Joe's Kitchen. pizza murah dan sedap bagi aku.

Oh camaraderie.

Kau tahu?

Banyak yang aku belajar dari berkawan ni.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang apa yang kita cakap, tak semestinya kita betul betul maksudkan.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang kita perlu belajar berkongsi. Apa yang seronok, apa yang tidak, sedih, marah, semualah, seronoknya kalau ada orang untuk share semua tu.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang kita perlu belajar untuk terima kekurangan orang lain. Tak ada siapa yang sempurna, tapi tak salah kan kalau kita nak cari kawan yang melengkapkan kita?

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar tentang latar belakang yang bermacam-macam.

Oh family dia ajar dia macam ni.

Oh family dia semua perempuan.

Oh adik beradik dia semua lelaki.

Oh dia anak sulung/last.

Oh family dia ada dia je.

Oh dia tak ada ayah/mak. 

Oh dia dah biasa senang/susah.

sebab semua mempengaruhi cara dia. 

Dengan berkawan aku belajar yang tak semua manusia kita boleh percaya 100%. Kata kata dia, dan mungkin jugak kata-kata aku sendiri. Pemahaman boleh berbeza. Contoh aku cerita pasal biru, dia dengar biru, tapi nanti akhir akhir dia mungkin faham hijau. atau hitam, atau merah. 

Dengan berkawan aku belajar untuk sayang. 

Sayangnya nak lepas seseorang tu bila kita rasa kita dah kenal dia. 

"Sayangnya kalau dia dah tak kawan aku lagi. Tapi apa boleh buat. Itu pilihan dia."

Dengan kawan aku belajar malu.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku macam gini gini.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku tak lah sesenang mana. Fikiran aku je yang selalu positif.

Contoh.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku sayang mati kat dia.

Contoh.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tak sayang aku sesayang aku kat dia.

Contoh jugak.

Dengan kawan aku belajar benda baru. 

Benda benda yang dia minat.

Benda benda yang dia dah biasa, mungkin kita dah tau, mungkin tidak.

Untuk terima atau tidak, itu terserah.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar yang akan ada je di luar sana tu yang sekepala dengan kita.

Yang boleh terima kita. Sebab terima atau tidak. Itu juga satu pilihan.

Walau sepelik manapun kita.

Kalau tidak, mungkin belum sampai masanya lagi. Takpe, tunggu.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar untuk sakit hati.

Bila kawan kita tak nak cakap dengan kita. Langsung berhenti bercakap.

Kita tak paham kenapa.

Mudahnya kalau semua orang boleh duduk bersama dan bincang apa yang tak kena.

Tapi bukan semua orang semudah tu.

Kadang prioriti dia dan kau tak sama.

Tambahan, Situasi real life memang tak seindah drama.

Action. Cut. Dah jumpa hero dan heroin.

Kalau bernasib baik, ada lah kebetulan.

Selalunya tidak. Diam macam tu aje.

Bila kawan kita lagi seronok bila dengan kawan lain.

Bila kita tak dapat bagi benda benda yang kita tak ada, tapi dengan kawan lagi mudah je dia dapat.

Bila kita tak dapat terima apa yang kawan kita cakap. 

Selalunya sebab betul. Bila betul, lagi sakit hati. 

Kalau kawan kita ikhlas, insyallah kita perlu belajar faham kenapa dia buat / cakap macam tu.

Kalau tidak, sentiasalah ingat, manusia ni kengkadang main cakap je. Tak pilih perkataan betul2. 

Tak semua orang boleh berfikir dengan bijak dalam sekelip mata.

Kau pun. Aku pun. Dia pun.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar sifat untuk memanggil seseorang sebagai kepunyaan kau.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh ditanda kau punya.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh di'tag' lepastu tak ada sesiapa lagi yang boleh ambil dia pergi.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh diberi cincin. Lol.

Sounds so wrong, man. Kawan je pun. pun? PUN?

tak doh. kau habiskan masa dengan kawan kawan lebih dari family. Sebab family kau tak ada di sisi. Pilihan agak terbatas di situ.

Jagalah kawan tu baik baik.

Walau sesakit mana pun hati sebab benda yang dia buat, sebab benda2 yang dia dah buatlah yang sentiasa membuatkan aku fikir 10,20x untuk tidak berkawan lagi dengan orang tu.

Sebab bila kau dah putuskan yang kau sesungguhnya sudah putus asa dengan dia, memang ada silap besar dah jadi. Toleransi mungkin kurang dari mana mana pihak. Dan mungkin komunikasi selama ni lagi banyak dari satu pihak je.

Ingat je lah. Perhubungan.

Kan ke hubungan tu antara dua pihak. 

Bukan kau sorang je.

Kau bukan dia, dia bukan kau.

Tak kira walau sesama mana kau rasa kau dan dia.

Kalau semua simpan dalam otak, dalam hati, tak kasi keluar, mana pihak lagi satu nak tahu?

"Takkan dia tak tahu, aku dah kasi hint"

Eh helo, mulut ada, cakaplah.

Malu?

habis kalau malu, kau nak berhenti takat situ je?

Aku percaya takdir, tapi aku percaya juga usaha.

Kalau ada rezeki.

Habis, kau berharap je la pada rezeki tanpa perlu usaha...?

Ada orang nasib dia baik, dapat je.

Ada orang tidak.

Hidup ni hidup kau.

Aku benci betul orang yang suka salahkan orang lain. Atau tuding jari. 

"Dia bagitau aku gini gini gini. Sebab tu aku buat gitu."

Eh hello, kau otak tak ada ke? nak kena orang lain fikirkan untuk diri sendiri? Asyik salahkan orang je. Kau yang biarkan diri kau dipengaruh tu tak nampak pulak salah kau ye

Habis kau nak tunggu je ke?

Hidup kau.

Pilihan kau.

p.s. Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."
—Fay, Riding In Cars With Boys

Gems tau. bukan germs kbye.

Just how much it affects you would make you think just how big someone mean to you. Well, used to.

one who ignores might be the one who used to care so much. Never forget that.

Is this a beautiful nightmare merepek

Apa itu rindu ?

Fuh. I'm not one to talk about this actually.

i guess this is just an attempt.
a weak attempt from my side whatever missing someone means to me.
and why should i write on this?
well.. why shouldn't i?

because right now i am missing.
many persons for very various reasons.
Be it due to my past, and maybe because my present is just not that fun anymore.
Eh?
it's my choice, right?
Because it happens now. I can still change it.

Just that, human sometimes need time to make them realise things they have let go. or accidentally let go. or accidentally on purpose let it go.

For once, i shall tell you one of my stands in this life.
That if you want a candy, you can have it.
A child may depend on an adult to get one.
But an adult, that is when one must make a choice, whether to have it or not, whether to have it too much, or too less of it.
Because  life of an adult is about making choice.
Making decisions.
Note here that this candy i am referring now, may not be a candy anymore.
it is more to things that can bring you poison if you have too much of it, if you know it well.
well, most of the times, you do. you do know it will lead to worse situation, if you already have it bad.

I have friends that i consciously realise they somehow pull me down and caught me in their entanglement. Such allurement. Such.. enchant.
Just like how moth is enticed to the flame.

Some of them even awakens my inner uncivilized, animal manner.
I am not sure it is wise to appraise such manner.
Note that i use the word "entanglement". which may sounds negative as it may be.
Still, such matter owed an illustration from my side though.

I have friends who is fitting me just like a piece of tetris. Perfectly.
And then it never came across to my mind
that this piece of tetris is bringing along a grenade with it.
Just when i myself started to feel the excitement on how things fitting perfectly.


Some of them make me wary of my own feelings whenever they are around. and the other way around.
On how i am making them feel.
On how well they understood me.
well of course this could never be achieve if you fail to do your part, by sharing things.
Sharing your thoughts freely.
Because you know, no matter how crooked you may be, no matter how fragile you were once,
they might not acknowledge it, they might not go with it,
At the least, they do know, you are just being you.
There will come a time when you realise, no matter how you try to mold someone into a person you think is better than they are right now, without their side of consciousness intact,  you might want to think and start again. On why you start it on the first place.
You don't give up, you just understood that everyone is in control of their own lives.
They should live however they want to.

Some of them make me acutely aware of seeing future with them in it.
Weh it would be fun when you have your children one day, and you will introduce to them, "Hey kids, they're my close friends and I am proud of them for still being my friends after all these times."
That perseverance. I want to have it. I really really really do.

Some of them ponders me so much i get so annoyed and while we are spinning in the merry-go-round, i am starting to stop and wonder how would it be if i let their hands go.
As their hands are starting to suffocate my air, somehow.

Some fails to put down my hunger for them. 

On how friendship should make you a more fun person with them in the frame. 

in YOUR OWN frame.

Or maybe, you should be the one who's making it fun instead of waiting for some miracle to happen and make everything less boring.

Or maybe, because you finally realise you don't have the ability to do so, and we're back to square one.


and some of them has succeed in making me wonder what friendship is all about. 

They give me a push when i needed one. Or two. Or three. (i secretly adore just how cute they are when they push me to do things with their good intentions wanting to see me succeed awhh :'))

honestly kan, not just push. Punch me if you need to. People need that wake up call sometimes weh.

Also, they give me their shoulders when the rainy days came through. 

takyah lah sampai menangis sama2. 

It takes a lot of courage for some people to show their fragile side tau. Especially to their close friends.

They provide me tinsy little flare for me to light up my little cupboard i'm living in.
They even lure me out of it when i was afraid to come out and to trust people again. macam biasa, kita dop tahu apa orang tu dah pernah lalui. banyak kali dah kena makan kawan ke, asyik diperguna ke, kadang kalau bukak cerita, membara balik. tak cerita asyik tanya kenapa kau macamni blablabla. 

Tapi takpa, sebab last2 kita tau depa kisahkan kita.

Bukan sebab nak sibuk tahu pasal semua orang je semata mata.

Eksklusif tau layanan gitu.

Well isn't  that wonderful?
Most of my friends don't realise it, but i shine outbright at most when they smile. Even if it's too dark for them to see mine.


And also.
Consciousness.
Realisation. all of sudden everything is clearer.
the dots you have been collecting, or connecting, might finally drawn into half of a picture.
but is it true?
Is the picture you are connecting is the truth?
Because most of the times, people only see what they want/expect to see.
People do not realise something, until other people came into the picture and tell you things.
might be things you missed to see (due to our rose tinted, negative tinted or sephia tinted glass. your call) , or all of sudden, one day...

It's like one day, you wake up, and you realise, "Damn, Am I not missing  something...."
But what is it? What is it in life that you are missing?

Just when you realise you missed something in your life, you just don't know what the hell is it that you're missing.
A friend? A family member? Friendship? Family ties? a connection? Memories?
Just what is it?

You wander in the dark, because you don't really see the picture you are in.
You're in the dark. Nobody knows this, unless you tell them.
And when you decided to tell one, other people just don't see it the way you see the picture.
And now you are left in the dark. Alone.

I am conscious I am in that state right now. i just don't sure when is it that my picture has been surrounded by the darkness. Just who brought it?

It takes at least two people to make a relationship. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing they do that's not to your liking. 

On one side, I have the choice not to be alone. I try my best to be surrounded by familial love.
But perhaps, i sought for friendship ties.
Unconcsciously, i envy person with very close friends.
and maybe i was trying to find it in my own version.
for my own.
for me to own.
Or is it more than friendship love from one that i seek ?
Nah, another commitment to commit.
I am already lost with my present commitment.
I do not think I should need to seek for another commitment, at times being downcast of my failed attempts of seeking, and at times being downcast of my failed persons findings, too many things to be achieved by one called N. 

Let's catch a breath and never forget this,