Is this a beautiful nightmare merepek

Apa itu rindu ?

Fuh. I'm not one to talk about this actually.

i guess this is just an attempt.
a weak attempt from my side whatever missing someone means to me.
and why should i write on this?
well.. why shouldn't i?

because right now i am missing.
many persons for very various reasons.
Be it due to my past, and maybe because my present is just not that fun anymore.
Eh?
it's my choice, right?
Because it happens now. I can still change it.

Just that, human sometimes need time to make them realise things they have let go. or accidentally let go. or accidentally on purpose let it go.

For once, i shall tell you one of my stands in this life.
That if you want a candy, you can have it.
A child may depend on an adult to get one.
But an adult, that is when one must make a choice, whether to have it or not, whether to have it too much, or too less of it.
Because  life of an adult is about making choice.
Making decisions.
Note here that this candy i am referring now, may not be a candy anymore.
it is more to things that can bring you poison if you have too much of it, if you know it well.
well, most of the times, you do. you do know it will lead to worse situation, if you already have it bad.

I have friends that i consciously realise they somehow pull me down and caught me in their entanglement. Such allurement. Such.. enchant.
Just like how moth is enticed to the flame.

Some of them even awakens my inner uncivilized, animal manner.
I am not sure it is wise to appraise such manner.
Note that i use the word "entanglement". which may sounds negative as it may be.
Still, such matter owed an illustration from my side though.

I have friends who is fitting me just like a piece of tetris. Perfectly.
And then it never came across to my mind
that this piece of tetris is bringing along a grenade with it.
Just when i myself started to feel the excitement on how things fitting perfectly.


Some of them make me wary of my own feelings whenever they are around. and the other way around.
On how i am making them feel.
On how well they understood me.
well of course this could never be achieve if you fail to do your part, by sharing things.
Sharing your thoughts freely.
Because you know, no matter how crooked you may be, no matter how fragile you were once,
they might not acknowledge it, they might not go with it,
At the least, they do know, you are just being you.
There will come a time when you realise, no matter how you try to mold someone into a person you think is better than they are right now, without their side of consciousness intact,  you might want to think and start again. On why you start it on the first place.
You don't give up, you just understood that everyone is in control of their own lives.
They should live however they want to.

Some of them make me acutely aware of seeing future with them in it.
Weh it would be fun when you have your children one day, and you will introduce to them, "Hey kids, they're my close friends and I am proud of them for still being my friends after all these times."
That perseverance. I want to have it. I really really really do.

Some of them ponders me so much i get so annoyed and while we are spinning in the merry-go-round, i am starting to stop and wonder how would it be if i let their hands go.
As their hands are starting to suffocate my air, somehow.

Some fails to put down my hunger for them. 

On how friendship should make you a more fun person with them in the frame. 

in YOUR OWN frame.

Or maybe, you should be the one who's making it fun instead of waiting for some miracle to happen and make everything less boring.

Or maybe, because you finally realise you don't have the ability to do so, and we're back to square one.


and some of them has succeed in making me wonder what friendship is all about. 

They give me a push when i needed one. Or two. Or three. (i secretly adore just how cute they are when they push me to do things with their good intentions wanting to see me succeed awhh :'))

honestly kan, not just push. Punch me if you need to. People need that wake up call sometimes weh.

Also, they give me their shoulders when the rainy days came through. 

takyah lah sampai menangis sama2. 

It takes a lot of courage for some people to show their fragile side tau. Especially to their close friends.

They provide me tinsy little flare for me to light up my little cupboard i'm living in.
They even lure me out of it when i was afraid to come out and to trust people again. macam biasa, kita dop tahu apa orang tu dah pernah lalui. banyak kali dah kena makan kawan ke, asyik diperguna ke, kadang kalau bukak cerita, membara balik. tak cerita asyik tanya kenapa kau macamni blablabla. 

Tapi takpa, sebab last2 kita tau depa kisahkan kita.

Bukan sebab nak sibuk tahu pasal semua orang je semata mata.

Eksklusif tau layanan gitu.

Well isn't  that wonderful?
Most of my friends don't realise it, but i shine outbright at most when they smile. Even if it's too dark for them to see mine.


And also.
Consciousness.
Realisation. all of sudden everything is clearer.
the dots you have been collecting, or connecting, might finally drawn into half of a picture.
but is it true?
Is the picture you are connecting is the truth?
Because most of the times, people only see what they want/expect to see.
People do not realise something, until other people came into the picture and tell you things.
might be things you missed to see (due to our rose tinted, negative tinted or sephia tinted glass. your call) , or all of sudden, one day...

It's like one day, you wake up, and you realise, "Damn, Am I not missing  something...."
But what is it? What is it in life that you are missing?

Just when you realise you missed something in your life, you just don't know what the hell is it that you're missing.
A friend? A family member? Friendship? Family ties? a connection? Memories?
Just what is it?

You wander in the dark, because you don't really see the picture you are in.
You're in the dark. Nobody knows this, unless you tell them.
And when you decided to tell one, other people just don't see it the way you see the picture.
And now you are left in the dark. Alone.

I am conscious I am in that state right now. i just don't sure when is it that my picture has been surrounded by the darkness. Just who brought it?

It takes at least two people to make a relationship. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing they do that's not to your liking. 

On one side, I have the choice not to be alone. I try my best to be surrounded by familial love.
But perhaps, i sought for friendship ties.
Unconcsciously, i envy person with very close friends.
and maybe i was trying to find it in my own version.
for my own.
for me to own.
Or is it more than friendship love from one that i seek ?
Nah, another commitment to commit.
I am already lost with my present commitment.
I do not think I should need to seek for another commitment, at times being downcast of my failed attempts of seeking, and at times being downcast of my failed persons findings, too many things to be achieved by one called N. 

Let's catch a breath and never forget this,