RM500 and Kobe

No no. I just know this Kobe when he and his daughter were reported for a helicopter accident which their deaths.

I have always known he's like my Boss' idol. Heck he even called his boy Jellybean which was inspired by Kobe Bean Bryant.

But I won't talk about that. I wish to talk about how happy and how sad I am right now.

I am happy because I just got back from Watsons Seksyen 7. Bought all the personal care for my little bro. Alhamdulillah we got a little bit of token of appreciation since this one client (whom hasn't been paying for such the longest time) paid some of our invoices in full. And I am really glad we got this extra money since I've been wishing to get something for Nini for her birthday. And now I have the means to execute it yayyy. Thanks Boss!

So I need to settle a sum of money for Bebo since he would already be seven years old this year heheh. How time flies eh?

I am happy that I get to give my siblings something. I could be useful. Now this is one of the things that would really make my day. When someone is really thankful for me. It would always stop all the negative vibes I have been feeling all these years. At least some, if not all.

Now what is making me sad is one thing. I was selfish to someone I really, really like. I guess words could never be enough to describe my sadness since I am not being fair. 

You. How do you define fair? If it was me, I would deem it to be fair when you put something to a place that belongs to its place. Now that's fair. Now what I have been feeling now, it's not. It's not fair for me to have this kind of feelings. 

cough cough

Fever reeeeally got to me these couple of days. Been two or three years since the last time I had a fever that won't let me get out of my bed.

And I guess maybe it's just a coincidence that last week right before the weekend hits I didn't get enough sleep for two days straight. Meaning I hit the sack very early and woke up at 2am aaaand hit the keyboard and files until it's morning before hitting the shower and making my way to the office.

Why can't I be geniuses who'd just need to read once then would understand tremendously and always knows what to say to clients macam kebanyakan kawan kawan aku? And when could I start to be a very helpful and intelligent employee whom would always know how to comfort the workload, the Boss and the colleagues? Haiyah.

I always put myself at the lowest point. And my Boss always try to shove me from the highest peak (all of a sudden) and see how I would turn out to be ( yeke? But most of the time aku TERmarah je dia balik. Ada ke patut sheesh) 

Well he'd give me the opportunity lah.. you get me.. now it rests on my shoulder lah how to do it. Contoh macam this one file lah tiba tiba berlambak gila Perjanjian. And I always complain to myself before kut. I would looove to know how to vet agreement. I wish someone could teach me how to vet. To sit down and point out to me what and what. 

Well life doesn't work like that. Hidup ni bukan macam sekolah. Mana selalu ada peluang untuk belajar one-to-one. Ko hengat ko homeschool ke. Banyak cantik.

Kena pandai pandai sendiri. Let me tell you a tiny little secret. Most of people don't even know if they're really doing it correctly. You just, live. Do or die. Sink or swim. Do or don't. Do be do be do be do.

Tapi tu lah. You never learn kan. Macam mana diri sendiri nak maju ni?

Ok lah brb I think my fever is kicking me back since aku baru je lepas makan ubat ni.

is this really worth it anymore?

I ended up crying so bad to Ayah last night. It happened that he called me up at the wrong time I guess. I thought of going back and crying at the corner of my room and get to bed silently just like I always do. But yesterday Ayah just happens to call me and I broke into tears to him saying I'm too stupid for this shit.

And I still couldn't get back home after getting early to bed twice just to wake up at 2 o clock to do stuff that could've take couple hourse for normal people.

Maybe it's time that I accept the fact that I'm just not that clever anymore. Where it was such a breeze to read and get it all in your head just by reading it once. 

I am what a stupid girl. A clever girl would've gone and chase her dreams, unlike me being cosy in here and hassling people.

I really felt alone yesterday. I really felt terrible. I am so comfortable at being alone now I think I should start pushing people away once again. Too much noise. Too crowded. Too much caring has been given. Too much love to be given to wrong people. 

self control

For the sake of MOI (read:me) work improvement, I shall practice my focus using the phone timer