Raya 2018

Raya is not raya anymore.
I am now so full with regrets.
Sesal sebab aku gagal untuk hargai whatever i used to have.

Untuk tahun kedua,
He questioned the duit untuk persiapan raya.
I can't type this anymore

stopping the 30 days challenge. (lol)

Okay disebabkan broken link, I can no longer access the image.
And the challenge should've ended last year LOL
so mooooviiinggg onnnnn

4. Bullet Your Whole Day

Okay first of all, ya allah it's been sooooo long since i write on this blog! Sebab apa? Sebab dah ada Path yang lagi senang access daripada phone. Zzzz sorrylah not my fault Blogger dah tak update app dia......

Second of all...... well. i'm going to bullet my whole day on last Saturday 21/10/2017. Why? Because i feel like it.

Let the fire beginnnnn

• 6.40am = bangun solat subuh
• 7.00am - 8.30am = sambung aktiviti atas katil which wasss to open MangaRock app. dan baca dan baca.
• 8.30am = oh mengantuk balik. But i could not go to sleep back. Simply because i had to get ready for Kenduri Kahwin Daus. but i still had my sleep for about 15mins lol.
• 9.00am = i woke up, took a bath and start putting my makeup on. Syukur baju dah iron semalam. aku iron dua baju okay so that kalau tiba-tiba ada krisis low self confidence menyerang, aku takkan buang masa..heheh. i prepared two baju (one baju kebaya and another was baju kurung) but still i ended up pakai baju kebaya hitam yang ibu beli right before last Aidilfitri for me and i donned it with pario that i bought four years ago, i think?
• 10.15am = i texted Rai asking is he arriving soon ke and he said in 5-10mins. Good. Bersyukurlah okay aku sempat siap betul betul sebelum dia sampai. Dan aku masih sempat risau yang aku tak ada benda nak dibualkan dengan dia. Sebab aku mulanya ingat Fafa yang akan sampai dulu lol. But still i texted Fafa and he said he would be out from his house in 15mins..........
• 10.45am = i fetched Rai and at first i tried to keep my silence. Sebab..... idk. But then he kept asking and talking and i guess inner me was also struggling, so i unleashed my shyness lol.
• 11.15am = we went for balloons where Rai first thought to give to Firdaus but then no balloons were appropriate enough, i guess? He ended up buying three balloons while complaining mahal.......... Adira called and said she just finished bathing (lol) and she feared that she would not make it in time (but all was well lol)
• 12-ish pm = Fafa texted saying he's arriving KK already. while our car was blocked by a makcik who said she was going to find juuust one thing before coming back to her car lol.
• almost 1pm = We supposed to go together but then the other car which had Farah in it used other road and did not use the usual jalan. So we three had to stop at Shell for gas. and drinks.
• almost 2pm = we arrived at Kenduri Kahwin Daus in Sentul!! okay both bride and groom were soooo cute and cantik, okay! 
• almost 4pm = Fafa and I had to leave early (due to reasons hahahh) So Rai went back with Farah and Shak. had pavlova with jengjengjengggg (rahsia) just to kill some time.
• almost 5pm = i really wanted to go near to the bus station. So i asked my bestfriend to go lepak at the Extreme Park beside KFC and Burger King.
• 6.30pm = my bestfriend had to leave for his meetup.
• 7.00pm = erased all my makeup and washed my baju that i wore earlier. got ready for meetup with my pretty friend As and another friend of us, Karl.
• 8.15pm = got there, at PakLi. was fun! they taught me lotsaaaa things wehhh. Alhamdulillah i still got people who want to be friends with me heheheh
• (9.00pm) = Karl said he had to leave before 9.15pm because he had to go to Bukit Raja, but then lol (at 9.15pm Hafiz M and Farah came to continue lepak after having lepak sesh at Lawangsari earlier lol)
• 11.00pm = everybody  went back. Took bath and laid on the bed while thinking whether everything was a dream ( he sitting next to me and us talking)
• 12.00am = left me thinking. This is soo expected. But then, it's getting better. I guess my heart has finally learnt the truth.

In love when one's in love

Sometimes you gonna fell in love with someone just because they're in love. Just because when theyre in love theyre at their best. And when the love's gone, yours too gon be gone. Just like that.

Something you feel strongly about

Hmmmm.. What do i feel strongly about eh..
Ada banyak benda ni. Tapi at this moment i'm thinking of the people around me right now.
Fahim, Zamira, Farah, Hafiz M, Hafiz Y, Radin, Nina, Haq, Fatin, Eda, Fatihah, dan lain lain, omg so ramaiiiii

Alhamdulillah i got to meet all these people and make connection with them. Macam macam kerenah wehh. But i learnt a lot. About myself and them too.

I really wish this connection would never die out of time. For once I did it most sincerely and I pray to you god for letting this stay at least until i get very old very nenek get to see everyone's grandchildren hewhewhew

Okay dah sambung study cipici1!

5 Ways to Win My Heart. No. Make it 10.

1. you can start by having cute dimples. memang cair habis lah aku wacakapluuuu. lepastu cakap elok elok. dikombinasikan pulak dengan ajak aku pi date. ha kena sangatlah tu.

2. by treating my family members well. i have 2 sisters and a brother, a grandmom, a mom and a dad. my dad loves hunting squirrels. and gardening. my mom loves beauty stuff and i bet she would really love to learn something new. angah loves beauty stuff too. kakchik digs football and gadgets. hakim the typical pc games, movies, football and music. and tok maybe just love people talking and listening to her. just try talking to them. okay cair dah hati i.

3. show me how you control things. Kalau tengah marah, how would you deal with your anger. Sebab orang paling lemah adalah orang yang tak boleh kawal kemarahan dia. By not blaming others and to take the blame responsibly. If i do wrong, you'll correct me with reasonable grounds and knows how to deal with me patiently.

4. won't mind explaining things i might not understand but i would really love listening to you talking about it passionately. When you speak about it all the time. I might be saying i'm annoyed lah bosanlah apalah, but i'm registering it in my mind things that would remind me of you most. "Alah, kalau aku cakap pun bukan kau faham." is one of the things yang PALING i find very turn off. A very close friend of mine did it to me a few times and i find it very insulting i;m like why are you even shutting me off without me even saying anything? Try me!

5. when people would like to know what goes in my head. What do i think about this? What do i think about that? Tak semestinya kena ikut whatever i think, tapi bila kau consider my opinion, omg terharunya i feel so important to you weh.


BONUS

6. when people buy me stuff. i find it very terharu jugak. tak payah mahal mahal, tapi dalam ramai ramai, aku jugak kau ingat is very heartwarming to me weh. Sebab aku ni bukan sapa sapa pun. hehe.

7. Ikhlas. I've read somewhere that ikhlas ni seperti semut hitam yang berjalan di celahan batu yang kelam. Nobody couldntve seen it but God. but it's there lah. Insyallah kalau kau ikhlas, Allah akan buat orang rasa benda tu daripada kau.

8. When you care to let me know things. Care to justify things to me, because i do matter to you. because you care what do i think of you.

9. When you care to let me know why are you mad to me. bukan diam je. Don't forget that we are of two different entities with different hearts and souls. Jangan expect orang akan sentiasa tahu dan faham what goes on your mind .

10. Take everything with a pinch of salt. Life never goes in one straight line. There will always be other lines interconnecting with other dots. or lines.

30 Days Challenge starts today!

Okay. i'll try to do this religiously.

Ruth's. again.

"Superficial Love"

You're really cute, I must admit
But I need something deeper than this
I wanna know when I'm looking at you
That you don't only see the things you want to

'Cause I'm not perfect, I'm flawed
And if you don't like that, get lost
'Cause I don't want it if it's fake
I don't want it if it's just for show, for show
I just want it if it's real and I'm thinking I should let you know, you know

This superficial love thing got me going crazy
Baby if you want me, then you better need me
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
And if you wanna keep me, then you better treat me
Like a damn princess, make that an empress
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
This superficial love

Fun at first, I won't deny
But I want more than just what meets the eye.
I wanna know when you're looking at me
That you see deep into my personality

'Cause I want authentic, not just for fun
If this love is plastic, it'll break on us
'Cause I don't want it if it's fake
I don't want it if it's just for show
I just want it if it's real and I'm thinking I should let you know

This superficial love thing got me going crazy
Baby if you want me, then you better need me
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
And if you wanna keep me, then you better treat me
Like a damn princess, make that an empress
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
This superficial love

I can feel you on my lips all the time
But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind
I can feel you on my lips all the time
But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind
I can feel you on my lips all the time
But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind
I can feel you on my lips all the time
And this ain't right

This superficial love thing got me going crazy
Baby if you want me, then you better need me
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
And if you wanna keep me, then you better treat me
Like a damn princess, make that an empress
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
This superficial love

I can feel you on my lips all the time
But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind
I can feel you on my lips all the time
And this ain't right, this superficial love.

Ruth B's

"If This Is Love"

It's been a long day and I'm trying to figure it out
The way those words left your mouth
I feel broken, shattered, and blue
And it's all because of you
And I'm trying, trying to figure it out

If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?
If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?

It's been a long time since I felt the way that I do now
Like I need you, but I don't know how
It's been a while since I smiled
And I meant it from my heart
But the idea of leaving this behind
It tears me apart

If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?
If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?

Kiss me now and remind me why
I ever wanted to make you mine
And even though it hurts in this moment
I've always known it
You're the other half of my broken heart

If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?
If this is love
Why does it break me down?
Why do you break me down?

Even though it hurts in this moment
I've always known it
You're the other half of my broken heart

Superman (it's not easy)

most of the times sometimes i wish i could carelessly be me and he shall still want to stay by my side.
but who really wants a broken good?
i don't want and ever want to be chosen just because i'm available.
just why...

Setidak-tidaknya Superman membantu orang.
Me? I don't.
still wishing someday someone would feel that
he'll be glad just because i exist
i just wish i could be that significant to my future other half.

i don't wanna get married
just because my mom got married at my age
just because other people already having children at my age
just because i am being a burden to dad now
just because i'm lonely

that's just plain selfish
and so not fair to the other person.

why is requited love so hard to find?

even if it's so hard
can you send me one of your servants who can teach me better to love? without expecting back?

Rai...n rain go away

you know.. you can also know where you stood in somebody's heart without needing to ask.
When you call them, and it was an unanswered call, see how they later respond to it.
Do they let you know the reason immediately when they got your call?
Do they simply call you back?
Or do they just simply ignore it?

If it were me,
if somebody ever calls me, and i missed it,
i'll wait for their text.
because if it's an important call, they'll let me know.
but  i guess not everyone would do the same kan.

tapi kalau dah msg kau tak di-reply,
call kau tak berangkat,
msg diorang je yang kau asyik jawab.
kau faham sendirilah kat mana kau.

Faham kan?

Tapi kadang degil lah.
Otak dah fikir logik selogiknya
otak dah bagi reasoning paling munasabah
yet no
the heart wants what it wants
degil.
now you bear the consequences lah.

Bestfriend.

Dear God,
Don't you think Ann REALLY, REALLY IN NEED of a bestfriend pronto?
i keep feeling that other people is being friend with me just because i'm available.
That sucks.
i want a friend who wants to be friend with me because they REALLY wanted to.
Not just because i'm around. That's just plain sad.

i wish he/she would really like to know about my day.
i wish he/she would really want to know how do i felt about it.
about my happiness, about my problems, about things going on in my life, about us.
Sekarang ni kan, nobody really wants to know about me pun. Sedihlah.
What if i grow old uncared?
What if i grow old single and bitter?
Single tu mungkin akan payah sikit untuk dihadapi but then boleh hadap lagi.
But bitter? I dont really fancy the idea of affecting other people with my negativity. :(
aku ni pun dah cukup bitter dah inside.
but i'll still throw up rainbows. as of now lah. in the future kita tak tahu kan? :(

in the midst of everyone's getting married.
everyone's having a child.
everyone's having a good career.
i hope it wont cause me much just to feel happy all over again.
i really wanted to say that i'm lonely.
i'm feeling pertubed most of these days. and i can't help it.
really. because i'm really feeling it.
but sometimes i don't. because i know, god still doesn't abandon me.
He still loves me no matter what.
He still here, in my heart
but i guess sometimes i'm just a selfish servant who's still at His mercy
thinking, "hey this won't be so bad after all if i'm not all alone right?
it'd be nice if i have someone to turn to at times kan? macam mengadu and whatnot?"

dear god please let me have one, and i wish that this bestfriend could stay until we grow old together, or even die together boleh tak heheheh that sounds creepy zzzz

Sibs

i'm worried. worried of how my siblings would turn out to be.
Lepas tengok ep1 Shameless. How i wish i could be as responsible as Emmy Rossum.
how i could see my sisters and brothers everyday.

ini while we're far away, i couldn't keep track on
whatever's happening to their lives
whatever's happening on their days

i really wish god will always keep them away from straying out of the straight path.
there's too much evil things nowadays
i really wish that whenever they face things that are not nice,
there will always be person, ANY person would do,
to tell them, that this is just the beginning.
learn from your mistakes
but never make mistakes so bad you can't go back.
how do you know?
by living.
you know, stopping people from living will never really stop them from dying though..

and mom.
i pray that mom is given
more-than-enough-strength
more-than-enough-patience
more-than-enough-wisdom
more-than-enough-taqwa
to face dad

i don't know what will happen in the future
since whatever's happening, happened.
i can only hope our family will forever stick together
no matter what.

aaamin.

birthday birthday birthday

can't wait to buy my classmate, F, a present!

she and her friends were nice enough to buy me bracelet on my birthday.

So...what would she like ehhh? Hmmmmm

13 days more. Should Ann end it earlier? I dont think i could carry on. Honest.

Who knows this piece would brought up so much sadness in one song?

I don’t care if it’s a lie
Who cares if it’s not the truth
You’re in my arms right now, that’s what’s important
Because if it’s you, I would be the victim multiple times
I can’t have you but I can touch you
When you call my name with your sweet lips
It’s you in the end, even if it hurts, it’s you
Every time your hand touches me, my breath stops
I swear I’ll give myself to you
You’re pretty because you’re rough, you’re attractive because you’re dangerous
I know I’ll get hurt every time but I like your games
There’s no reason why I can’t do this, I’ll give you my everything
I just need to be by your side
This is what I mean
Whenever you say I’m too much
Whenever you say it’s over with a sad face
Whenever you make me nervous, strangely, I get even more attracted to you
You have so much charm, you’re so good at controlling me
As if you’ll come to me but won’t, you drive me crazy
You know that I can’t leave you
Just like a boomerang that always comes back no matter how hard you throw it
I try to stop but when you call me
I stop where I’m going and run to you
With a face of an angel, you shake me up every time
Is it your nice body, is it your scent of a woman?
When I kiss your lips, I bow my head
And swear that I’ll give myself to you
You’re pretty because you’re rough, you’re attractive because you’re dangerous
I know I’ll get hurt every time but I like your games
There’s no reason why I can’t do this, I’ll give you my everything
I just need to be by your side
You can use me, you can play me
I know I’ll be ruined but I choose you anyway
I don’t need your everything, I can just have half of you
I just need to be by your side

bittersweet

I used to want to be wanted. But now i just want to be loved back.

Rr

If it brings any good than harm, please,
By all means, please let the one who needs to know, know.
If not, let's keep it from them who shouldn't (know)

2016-2017 friends

Dear God, thank you.
You put me through thunders and rains and hurricane.
But you've also given me best of friends that i could ever ask for.
I am going to embrace all them, and cherish them, because I love these friends so very much.
They'll never know how much they've been very nice and supportive to me.

Because you will never know of what will be
Who knows in the near future life's going to treat you harder. or better.
All that changes people.

I will appreciate them
While our feelings toward each other are still here
While we are still around each other
I wish i could show them or make them feel i appreciate them.
Kalau aku kaya raya aku dah beli sorang satu motor ducati dah hahahahh
And i pray.

I've grown a lot due to these circumstances you've given me.
I can finally see the hikmah.
Maybe God just wanted me to be better with time.

I'm imagining it's as if i am rough stone and these hurricanes and drought and monsoon are cutting me into shapes so I could achieve the final form (amboi macam majin buu) of diamonds.
I really hope so.
Thank you god for giving me such opportunity by letting me know these understanding group of people and giving me chance to be their friends.
I know i've been careless with life before.

But one thing i could never stop doing, is to love these kind of people carelessly.
I really hope i could bring rainbows and that nice before/during rainy feeling (i love rainnnn) and put smiles on people's faces whenever they thought of me.
and if possible, i could create unicorns and magic too! Hehe
I love these people very much and I really hope we could go to jannah together.
That would be very, very nice, isn't it? :)

and again, thank you God.
and now i just hope these changes could bring the same to my siblings. and my mom. and dad.

Berapa kali dah cakap pasal dimples daaaa..

all the times, i am so greeeen with envy with people who have dimples.
You know why?
Because God pre-prepared them from birth with this one kind of magic that whenever they smile they seem to be making your day.
Dari dulu saaampailah sekarang. Jealous sungguh aku!
My puppy love had one. or two. Rasanyalah.
Ex keeeeee. ek eleh. tak pernah pun propose betul betul suruh aku jadi girlfriend dia. KAH!

So what i did was, i will pray to God. (SAMPAI SEKARANG!)
Life is not always about rainbows and nice food and good family and lots of cash and lots of friendsss. Not all could afford all that. Not all have the privilege and merely choose to have that.
Some people cannot even afford to choose.

Rather than smiling blindly, i wish i could do something for them.
Like strangers stuck with their cars beside the road.
Hujan lagi pulak.
Rasa macam nak turun repairkan (padahal bukan reti pun KAHKAHKAH)
Like people selling stuff from table to table
Macam nak beli semua (acah Donald Trump) tapi lepastu nak makan apa? Pasir?
Nampak lantai licin,
Tuhan, moga moga semua yang lalu lantai ni tak jatuh.
the least i could is doa je lah dalam hati.
Semoga dipermudahkan urusan, kalau destinasinya baik. Niatnya baik.
Insyallah doa sampai dengan keikhlasan.
Tapi tak semua orang have that light inside their hearts.
Some people just wants to see the world burn.
Jadi aku berhati hati jugak dalam berdoa tu.

Now back to the topic.
The least. Through smile.
Dimples. Even though i might not have one,  i hope that i would make someone's day whenever I smile.
Come rain or shine, be it strangers or my friends, (pray to god to nice people lah. if bad people i wish god protect me from their harm)
i hope, reallly really hope, that at least I could make someone's day just by smiling to them.

Because sometimes, simple little things do create smile on our faces.
Kadang-kadang tengah penat, or tengah letih dengan hidup ke, you're having a rough day,
tiba-tiba someone smiled at you, aku akan jadi macam..
"hey chill, Ann. You'll have things that not nice. But there are still nice things waiting out there. Let this be your lesson."

when people smiled at me, buat aku appreciate benda benda kecil macam ni
lepas tuhan let me experienced things yang tak semua orang akan dapat fair share.
Maybe, but it will comes with time. And not all people would have the same, at the same time.

Tapi tengoklah timing.
Orang tengah bengang ke tengah sedih ke
tiba tiba kau senyum senyum mintak lempang ke apa lolz.

Sometimes ornag ni diorang ada ego/maruah/harga diri/pride,
rather than putting into words, (which i am really bad at)
Smile.
Dengan keikhlasan.
Insyallah akan sampai niat awak tu.
Kalau tak sampai, pun takpelah.
Doa je lah tuhan bukakan hati depa.
Tak rugi pun.
Okay?

""May flowers grow in the saddest parts of you." — Zainab Aamir"

To all these people,
thank you for making my day.
And i wish mine would bring the same to you too.

R

Aku berharap aku tak kena cerai lah esok. :(
Seminggu pun tak sampai lagi ni ha.
Apa boleh buat....
Baik dia tahu awal kan. Lagipun we're on deal je kan..
I'm not supposed to have feelings for him pun. Tak layak pun.
This is all games to him.

But he's like a rainbow in the midst of my monsoon.
But he will never know