RM500 and Kobe

No no. I just know this Kobe when he and his daughter were reported for a helicopter accident which their deaths.

I have always known he's like my Boss' idol. Heck he even called his boy Jellybean which was inspired by Kobe Bean Bryant.

But I won't talk about that. I wish to talk about how happy and how sad I am right now.

I am happy because I just got back from Watsons Seksyen 7. Bought all the personal care for my little bro. Alhamdulillah we got a little bit of token of appreciation since this one client (whom hasn't been paying for such the longest time) paid some of our invoices in full. And I am really glad we got this extra money since I've been wishing to get something for Nini for her birthday. And now I have the means to execute it yayyy. Thanks Boss!

So I need to settle a sum of money for Bebo since he would already be seven years old this year heheh. How time flies eh?

I am happy that I get to give my siblings something. I could be useful. Now this is one of the things that would really make my day. When someone is really thankful for me. It would always stop all the negative vibes I have been feeling all these years. At least some, if not all.

Now what is making me sad is one thing. I was selfish to someone I really, really like. I guess words could never be enough to describe my sadness since I am not being fair. 

You. How do you define fair? If it was me, I would deem it to be fair when you put something to a place that belongs to its place. Now that's fair. Now what I have been feeling now, it's not. It's not fair for me to have this kind of feelings. 

cough cough

Fever reeeeally got to me these couple of days. Been two or three years since the last time I had a fever that won't let me get out of my bed.

And I guess maybe it's just a coincidence that last week right before the weekend hits I didn't get enough sleep for two days straight. Meaning I hit the sack very early and woke up at 2am aaaand hit the keyboard and files until it's morning before hitting the shower and making my way to the office.

Why can't I be geniuses who'd just need to read once then would understand tremendously and always knows what to say to clients macam kebanyakan kawan kawan aku? And when could I start to be a very helpful and intelligent employee whom would always know how to comfort the workload, the Boss and the colleagues? Haiyah.

I always put myself at the lowest point. And my Boss always try to shove me from the highest peak (all of a sudden) and see how I would turn out to be ( yeke? But most of the time aku TERmarah je dia balik. Ada ke patut sheesh) 

Well he'd give me the opportunity lah.. you get me.. now it rests on my shoulder lah how to do it. Contoh macam this one file lah tiba tiba berlambak gila Perjanjian. And I always complain to myself before kut. I would looove to know how to vet agreement. I wish someone could teach me how to vet. To sit down and point out to me what and what. 

Well life doesn't work like that. Hidup ni bukan macam sekolah. Mana selalu ada peluang untuk belajar one-to-one. Ko hengat ko homeschool ke. Banyak cantik.

Kena pandai pandai sendiri. Let me tell you a tiny little secret. Most of people don't even know if they're really doing it correctly. You just, live. Do or die. Sink or swim. Do or don't. Do be do be do be do.

Tapi tu lah. You never learn kan. Macam mana diri sendiri nak maju ni?

Ok lah brb I think my fever is kicking me back since aku baru je lepas makan ubat ni.

is this really worth it anymore?

I ended up crying so bad to Ayah last night. It happened that he called me up at the wrong time I guess. I thought of going back and crying at the corner of my room and get to bed silently just like I always do. But yesterday Ayah just happens to call me and I broke into tears to him saying I'm too stupid for this shit.

And I still couldn't get back home after getting early to bed twice just to wake up at 2 o clock to do stuff that could've take couple hourse for normal people.

Maybe it's time that I accept the fact that I'm just not that clever anymore. Where it was such a breeze to read and get it all in your head just by reading it once. 

I am what a stupid girl. A clever girl would've gone and chase her dreams, unlike me being cosy in here and hassling people.

I really felt alone yesterday. I really felt terrible. I am so comfortable at being alone now I think I should start pushing people away once again. Too much noise. Too crowded. Too much caring has been given. Too much love to be given to wrong people. 

self control

For the sake of MOI (read:me) work improvement, I shall practice my focus using the phone timer

New Year's kissessss

Nakkkk.

I want to do it happily with someone who I loveeeeee and who loves meeeeeee back as much and I love him very much tooooo.

I want a halal New Year's kissssssssses gahhhhhhhhh

how strange

How strange that my imagination running so wild that I picture you in one of those comfortable chair, reading. and me bringing hot chocolate to you while giving you a kiss on your forehead. Now that's wild.

birthday

Current dilemma:

I intended to go back since it would be my birthday this Friday. But due to poor planning, I haven't even gotten my bus ticket yet (on a Sunday morning). Been trying to access all the website but it seems that the only available ticket is only this morning (Aeroline bus) and none on the TBS app. Laundry pun tak terbuat lagi since I skipped it on Saturday morning for Aquaria getaway (heheh) 

Now I think I need to inform my Boss that maaaaybe I would go in for Monday and Tuesday (and replace it to Chinese New Year week instead), so since Wednesday is a public holiday, that leaves Thursday and Friday. And I should get my leave on Friday lah since my test is on a Saturday. Should I take my day off on Thursday too? I could just move my morning appointment on my Thursday to Monday instead tho...

Nak balik pun I'm kinda short of money now since I had to get a new handbag (sebab putus tali. Tiga kali Raya dengan bag Tu. UwU) and one of my intended goals is having year end promo 20% (had to top up almost rm300 for this purpose.  Haihss) 

Pukul berapa my dad would be very rich and keep on giving me monthly allowance ni (20k as monthly allowance pun ok hiks) ish heheh

I really want to celebrate with my family but since my birthday would be on a Friday and Saturday is test, now where that would leave me? A lonely birthday, I guess. But then bunbun told me she would get to me on that Friday and have a meal with me yayyyy. So that's good. Ok dah now I made up my mind. I will keep my cuti. diam diam in my house (so that I could be content with watching a lot of horror movies), have my mind peace from work for a while, study for my test, and later have my birthday peacefully and sit for my test and that's it yay! Thank you for reading heheh.

tingkatkan prestasi!! hiappp!!

My friend just gotten herself a laptop from her Boss!!

She even got a cute card that says Thank you for your best effort! Bestnyaaaaa. 

One day I wish I could be that good wehh. Tak payah minta pun Boss bagi sendiri as appreciation. I really hope I would know what I'm doing one day.. 

Now this motivates me by 35% to work better and has put down my motivation to stop doing litigation by 35% juga !!

baik

Bahaya juga dengan orang baik ni. Baik sangat rasa nak jatuh hati je selalu. 

Aduh penat

Nak kutip tiap kali.

putus

Ya. Tiga tahun. We had great Raya together thrice.

Maafkan aku. Tapi itulah. Semua benda nak kasi tak boleh juga kan. But then. I really had so many good times with you. You were right there through my happy and sad moments. 

I had to move on by today. I literally used plastic bag today tau dak.............. tali beg aku putuih..... For two days I carried my bucket bag like a baby. 

So last night I saw 

post cdey

I really want to go to Sarawak...

Thought my employer could sponsor one, but the clients are not paying until now.... thought of using my savings tapi savings tak banyak dah since I had to spend some for my car last month.. Sedihnya...

Last strategy to fork out money to buy her a wedding gift. Maybe a microwave! 

But I really want to see my closest friend getting married up close..... Why.....

Post updated: omg I love you Bosssssssss

Hekhek

Sarawak gwurlll

Perasaan Aku bercampur baur sekarang ni.

I'm losing my closest friend to her husband :(

On the morning she's taking her flight to Sarawak baru rasa.

I always, always pray for God to easy her way in every way. Especially during her hard times. Especially during the moment I couldn't help but I can only look from the outside. 

Kawan kawan dia ramai weh. Aku nak dekat pun cam malas. Her weekends will be filled with responsibilities and funs. But she never seem to mind. 

She is one of my good friends who always, always inspire me to be a better person. The one who I can always look up to.

There were a few hiccups between us, but she doesn't seem to mind. She values friendships. She values food (like me, hehe). She's great. I wish her happiness. This is one of those friends you don't seem to talk much but deep inside your friendship means a lot. 

Kalau aku kaya, aku dah belanja dia selalu. Belanja dia makan. (Macam dia selalu buat untuk aku) . Beli hadiah wedding besar-besar. Macam peti ais ke. Microwave ke. TV ke. The best brands there is. Ughhh tak boleh panjang langkah bila limited resources ni. 

So sekarang ni pukul berapa nak ada sugar daddy yang boleh tajakan dengan baik hatinya ni? Hmmmmmm 

little hope

I hope Ash is having fun with me being her friend for all these times. 

Because I am. I really am. 

And I also hope A will deliver safely.

And all my friends with their babies to always be happy.

And along those lines I just hope I would have the same chance. To be happy with someone who would be dying and happy to be with me, as happy as I am to be with him. Being together.

vroom vroom

Today I went back to my place with my baby bro. He drove alllll the way to Shah Alam. Kereta manual kan. Alhamdulillah I got extra money to give to him as duit belanja since I asked for an advance of rm300 from le Boss before going back Kampong (or was it during my stay? Hehe) 

I feel the most relieved when I got extra money to give to my family members. My mom refused to take my money since I started for my postgrad programme. But I still 'selit-selit' lah a bit. Malu lah dah kerja pun masih nak meminta-minta from my mom. My mom still insists for me to let her know if I'm in dire... Alhamdulillah even though my salary is cukup-cukup, at least now I could rake some for savings. Thank God for my Boss' hospitality and whomever he is.

I guess it's not so bad after all working here kan? 

But it would always be better on my mind if I could return/give more to my company. If God's will. Will punyalahh! 

See you on Monday

When your Boss texted you about work and your mom came barging in and cried very badly on your bed. How would you feel. What would you do.

Silly.

your voice always help me 

when i feel alone

I feel so stupid

Got all worked up 

for a phone call

and when i pick up

I dont even have much to say

where’d you goooouu

i miss you soooouuu

fck this

I guess I finally understand what irks me most:

When people interfere with my plan.

In what way? You plan something with someone and you specifically told them you have other plans later. 

The night before you told them we should go early since you have stuff and they have stuff. you woke up early. And dumb me I thought everyone would let you know that we are going late and the reason of doing that.

Fck. I should not write this anymore. I'm just angry. That's it. Because somebody decides to just text me and continue her sleep instead of telling me the reason we're going later than early. 

I'll cool down. Fck this.

And I hope we'd be friends forever happily

I have the best of friends who would make a good shelter for stray, lost, abandoned, and surrendered souls. 

I got carried away

And I don't want you anymore.

P/s: I cried in a friend's arms. Without uttering even a word on you. I cried because I really wanted you. Now I don't think I do anymore.

Jealous

All closed up since our times are running up