nature vs nurtured

a cub thrown out to the outer world or the cub kept in the zoo?

Bihun Gorengz

Eh hello. harini weolls goreng bihun!

Bihun (separuh; direndam)

3 ulas bawang putih 

3 ketul bawang merah

Cili boh (1 senduk ; kalau takleh makan pedas, satu sudu sudah)

1 senduk ikan bilis (direndam dan ditumbuk)

1 senduk udang kering (direndam dan ditumbuk)

kicap manis (sesedap rasa)

sos tiram (sesedap rasa)

garam

gula

Fishball

Ayam

Daging (ha pilihla mana2 nak letak)

Rutin.

Panaskan minyak. Bila minyak dah panas, masukkan bawang merah dan bawang putih. lepastu masukkan udang kering dan ikan bilis. Lepastu masukkan cili boh. 

Bila cili dah naik minyak (Lol), masukkan (ayam; daging; fishball; udang; suka hati) tunggu sampai masak. Agak agak je la sebab japgi nak masukkan bihun plak kan.

okay masuk bihun. lepastu balik-balikkan. kalau perlu, potong-potong dengan sudip tu. Bagi senang sikit nak suap. Ikut kaulah. nak panjang2 mcm spaghetti, ha ikut suka.

Lepastu bila agak2 dah masak, masukkan telur. curah sekeliling bihun. takpun buat lubang tengah2 kuali tu. baru curah. Taknak pun takpe. Lepastu balik balikkan. Kita takmau dia melekat kat kuali. Nnti susah nak basuh. 

Kecilkan api. Sambung balik-balikkan.  Bihun belum masak betul lagi tu.

Agak2 dah masak, tutup api.

Angkat dan hidang. kalau nak, kacau telur dua butir, goreng. pehtu gulung. potong. dan hidang bersama bihun. 

Siap.

exam result is out!

sometimes i wish i could return back to my kindergarten time and stop myself from excelling so much. then my parents wont expect much from me.

Journey to the South.

Hello!

i'm on my way to JB sentral right now. Riding a train, mind you! Woot woot!~

830am

adik2 aku tunggu sampai train betul2 sampai. 

900am

bosan. jadi aku makan nasi lemak yg mak aku bekalkan. popia basah nanti baru makan. oh power bank dalam beg! patut ambil siap2 sebelum next passenger got on. 

915am

oh ada auntie naik. dia duduk sebelah aku. tido je. so all is well lah kot.

1030am

oh patut ambil stoking siap2 dalam poket beg. nanti nak solat senang. anyway dah sampai Ipoh.

1130am

seat aku R3 14D. 

bad choice. aku duduk sebelah kiri train. jadi matahari kena direct. cis patutlah seat ni kosong.. orang seat belakang sibuk nak cahaya. patut aku yg duduk belakang, dia meh sini duduk tempat aku ehey. 

Ah tak sabarnya nak jumpa Ati!

200pm

yeay jumpa ati!

300pm

first time solat zohor dalam train. solat duduk gitu. hikhik

505pm

dear blogger, my tab just diedddddddededed. WHYYYYYY AKU TENGAH ELOK MEMBACA OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB KOTTT

AHAD

 The long journey from Penang to JB makes me realised a thing... DON'T DO IT ANYMORE UNLESS YOU GOT A GOOD COMPANION AND A LAPTOP WITH YOU TO SPEND 12 HOURS WITH. Lepas ni taubat aku naik bas aje. Atau flight. (Last options)

Missing you.

Sometimes, you miss that person so much but you can't just tell them that easily. 

You miss them like grey needing white in its black.

You miss them like you deficient of one of those elements in the air around you.

You miss them you feel like kissing them all the time you are with them. (though that would be gay. Or sinful. Lol)

You miss them like you need them to be by your side.

You miss their annoying tattle. things you know, hell, you're just going to miss all their perks, their flaws that drove you crazy after all these times, bcs you know you'll miss them when they're gone. 

What good would it make anyway?

Nothing.

Just keep it. Lock it in one of the veins crack in your heart.

Did Prophet Muhammad SAW Warn Us of ISIS?

"At this time of dissension, he said there would appear "a group of young people who would be immature in thought and foolish." They would speak beautiful words but commit the most heinous of deeds. They would engage in so much prayer and fasting that the worship of the Muslims would appear insignificant in comparison. They would call people to the Quran but would have nothing to do with it in reality. The Quran would not go beyond their throats, meaning they wouldn't understand its essence at all, merely regurgitating it selectively. The Prophet then went on to describe these people as "the worst of the creation." 

OH.MY.GOD

Read more at : http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7702064

My Horror Movies List

I just watched 2002 Three's Going Home and i don't understand. Is it the wife or the husband who's alive? Just because at the end of the story, there was a videotape showing it was the wife who'd performed the Chinese herb bath. And has that little guy found his way home? So it turns out that the little girl was the couple's aborted child. Darn it was poignant to the core!

I now decide i loved this one better than Fruit Chan's Dumplings. Well after all that exquisitely portrayal from Mads Mikkelsen, heck, jelly baby doesn't look such tempt anymore kot.. Eher her her.

My horror movies list is expanding! Yeay!
(just randomly listed, not accorded to my personal favourite chart)

1. Confessions (2010)
(You just have to watch this!)
2. Silence of the Lambs (1991)
(My personal favourite!)
3. Sweeney Todd : The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
(Fascinated by the all the blood puddle haha)
4. Sympathy for Lady Vengeance (2005)
(Yeah, revenge alright)
5. The Doll Master (2004)
(This is soo sad.. T_T  )
6. The Loved Ones (2009)
(Interesting and easy to digest)
7. The Seasoning House (2012)
(Kinda revenge like I spit On Your Grave thing. Cool to watch)
8. Dead Silence (2007)
(I dislike puppets.. Let alone, the one with cut-out tongue.. *Horror*)
9. The Theatre Bizarre (2011)
(This piece just screams EWWWW)
10. As Above, So Below (2014)
(Kinda like heaven and hell stuff)
11. Three
(Going Home was interesting.)
12. Three Extremes
( Some i don't get why, some i do. Obv not the Korean piece)

Okay then, i'll two other more stories from Three. Gonna watch that in a bit. Good day!

tak alim pun.

kadang2 manusia ni nama je manusia.

tapi dia tak cakap bahasa yang sama dengan kita.

ataupun dia pilih untuk tidak bercakap langsung. buat aje apa yang dia suka.

macam perempuan ajak lelaki masuk BILIK dia.

memanglah tak buat apa.

tapi cuba berperangai macam orang ada agama sikit.

selemah lemah iman kan.

dah agama je yang boleh bataskan pergerakan manusia ni sekarang.

Just.. stick this on your forehead.

saying that this moment is the last to you whom i loved so much
even if you try to turn it back, even if you hold onto me crying, i was the one who said no and bid our farewell

i always act strong,
but i’m a cowardly man didn’t have the confidence to protect you forever and left

don’t love someone like me again
don’t make someone to miss again
one who looks at only you and needs only you
meet someone who loves you so much they can’t go a day without you.. please

hurting, you try to hold me back,
but i’m a cowardly woman who doesn’t have the confidence to give happiness to anyone beside her

don’t love someone like me again
don’t make someone to miss again
one who looks at only you and needs only you
meet someone who loves you so much they can’t go a day without you

even if we are ever to regret our breakup
i can’t do anything but give you our farewell

don’t cry in pain counting the time that’s passed
don’t miss a foolish love that’s already passed
one who looks at only you and needs only you
meet someone who loves you so much they can’t go a day without you..

please, i hope that you’ll be happy

none

yes this is one of those moments i just want to cry off my broken heart.

yes this is one of those moments i need to burn it out.

Because it's easier that way.
At least, at this particular moment.

Sent from my iSpaceship

Art. 8(2) FC and Noorfadilla.

Noorfadilla bt Ahmad Saikin v Chayed bin Basirun & Ors [2012] 1 MLJ 832

Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women, 1979 or CEDAW is a form of instrument to aid with women’s rights created by the United Nations General Assembly and it is an international treaty adopted in 1979 consists of 30 Articles of women’s rights to equality and non-discrimination. It also obliges governments to pledge women “the exercise and enjoyment of these rights”, as stated in Article 3 in Part 1 of CEDAW.

In July 2001, Article 8(2) of Federal Constitution was amended to include gender as a basis for non-discrimination and it was a gesture by Malaysia to show commitment by signing and ratifying it in 1995. Legally, it had the force of law in Malaysia as the country had acceded to the latter human rights treaty.

As a general rule, everybody is equal before the law, as stated by Article 8(1) of Federal Constitution. Now, with the existence of Article 8(2), a person is not to be discriminated due to his/her gender, let alone by his/her biological sex differences.

Noorfadilla had obtained employment as a Guru Sandaran Tidak Terlatih (a temporary teacher on a month-to-month basis) and when she was asked to attend a compulsory briefing, she was asked whether she was pregnant.  When it was known that she was pregnant with three month baby, her employment placement memo was withdrawn.

Discrimination is a form of unequal treatment.  When she was dismissed due to her pregnancy and Noorfadilla then took legal action against the government in 2010 after Hulu Langat district education officers revoked her appointment in 2009. It is discrimination when a woman is dismissed due to her pregnancy. Indirectly, the government is discriminating her by revoking her employment after knowing that she was pregnant.

A pregnant woman is justified by the principle of reasonable classification; nonetheless it was only applicable to Article 8(1) and did not apply to Article 8(2). On basis, it is formulated by Aristotle  in reference to Plato: “treat like cases as like”. Under sameness standard, women are always compared to men. The formal equality does not help much in the pregnancy situation because male cannot get pregnant. Thus, formal equality practice disadvantages women.

By realising this, it is preferable to select one with equal opportunity and equal outcomes for both men and women, which screamed substantial equality. Women and men cannot be similarly situated, scientifically at least. Women can get pregnant. It is an acknowledged sexual biological difference between males and females. It may be said that only females will suffer this form of oppression and is prone to be dismissed under this standard as males are never pregnant.

Men and women are not the same, as women can get pregnant. Simply put, the employer has treated Noorfadilla unequally due to her biological sex differences. It is of no right of the employer to penalise their employees due to pregnancy alone. Such a term is good example of unequal treatment.

By revoking Noorfadilla’s employment, the employer has failed to let her enjoy her right of living and also, failed to extinguish the dichotomy between public and private spheres and lets discrimination to be allowed. Noorfadilla was later then awarded RM300,000 in damages for breach of her constitutional right to gender equality.

While Noorfadilla may have won the case because of her status of public actors, Malaysian courts have been very reluctant to hold private companies liable for breach of constitutional rights. Such act is illustrated in the case of Beatrice Fernandez when a flight stewardess sued Malaysia Airlines when they fired her after she became pregnant and refused to resign.

In a nutshell, this form of adverse treatment is unlawful as it defeats the purpose of the existing of Article 8(2) which to allow one to enjoy her right of gender equality. A woman shall not be treated unfavourably just because they are different than men but instead, the differences should be embrace by the society. Be it a public actor or even private actor, every employee of Malaysia should have the privilege to enjoy their constitutional right to gender equality as permissible by law. -NS-

Nisekoi ep172

Chitoge : I was called his bestfriend recently... That  guy says i'm his bestfriend. I'm happy about that and all, but I'm wondering... I'm worried that it'll end before it even begins...

Onodera : But i don't think it's really a bad thing, you know? A 'bestfriend'. It's not something that people say so easily , even if they're the same gender, i think. I think that at the very least, it's certain that you're someone important to them. at the very least he doesn't hate you.


comel kan diorang???? zzzzzzz serius aku tak sabar nak download anime dia. tapi busy lah sekarang.. laptop pun dekat Elle lagi.. belum ambil sebab busy. yelah haritu tiba2 terpadam mana tak melompat uhuk huk huk. dia cakap bateri aku mmg takleh pakai langsung dah. jadi, pelajaran sudah dipeljari.. kalau pakai laptop, please cabut bateri belakang tu (on AC je) atau pakai kekuatan bateri sahaja tanpa plug in charger. Alah, kalau aku tak pakai gitu pun takpe kot. dah nak masuk lima tahun dah aku pakai laptop tu pun. Fair enough, right? (selamatkan diri! wihooo)



seorang manusia baru sedar yang Shingeki No Kyojin dengan Attack On Titans adalah benda yang sama. '-________- kbye.

What people don't realize about publicizing their sins online...

read this and i think i should share it with you. and just so that I won't forget...

http://fiqhofsocial.media/what-people-dont-realize-about-publicizing-their-sins-online/

Ashamed.

I would feel very, very ashamed of myself if i have to repeat myself to more than one friend about negative things i felt.

It's like, "Why should I let this petty things let me down? I still got a whole lot of things in front of me so why should i chose negative things to bring me down? Kan?"

Priority

Hello again.

Priority? Apa tew.

anggap je la tahu.

I just tweeted,

"Priority. Your life. Get that right."

Sebenarnya aku ada sedikit berperasaan just now. 

Aku ajak kawan aku keluar. Dah banyak kali kena rejek. So, common sense nya, if we have time, kita boleh ajak orang tu kot. At least, cuba lah. I'd REALLY appreciate your effort even though maybe I couldn't make time for you. Setidaknya, bahagian kau dah lepas. Kau dah jalankan 'tanggungjawab' kau untuk mencuba. People like that. 

Sedih jugak lah kita ajak lepak/makan asyik cakap takde duit. Pastu esok tu eh eh dia keluar dengan orang lain tak apa. Padahal aku ni bukan memilih tempat. padahal aku dah cakap mana2 pun tak apa. Asal kita lepak sama. Hmm mungkin aku kurang jelas kot selama ni. 

Kawan oh kawan.

Kalau kita rasa overly attached pun, please, jangan bagitau orang tu lah, kalau boleh. It's either you'll get misunderstood, or you'll get less attention than you ever had, or else.

Bila orang dah salah paham, ha mulalah kalut rasa nak jelaskan keadaan sebenar. tapi betul ke penjelasan kau tu diperlukan? Atau, betul ke penjelasan tu betul2 diterima diorang? 

Ataupun, sebenarnya, you feel so obliged to explain sometimes you don't even tell them what really happened? Perlu ke bagitau yang sebenar benarnya? 

Atau, baik kau bagitahu penjelasan yang sudah bertapis? Filtered explanation? (aku baru reka tiga saat lepas)

semata mata sebab nak jaga hati.

bagi aku, baguslah benda tu.

Menunjukkan yang perasaan sayang kau kat kawan kau tu berbalas.

Bukanlah selama ni, kau aje yang terhegeh hegeh nak kawan dengan diorang, tapi diorang tak pun.

Nobody wants to feel unwanted.

Or feel left out.

Tambah2 daripada kawan kawan yang diorang treasure.

Kalau orang ramai tu, gasak lah.

Mampus lah kau nak dengar cakap semua orang kan.

At least, kalau kawan2 kau cakap, kau boleh pilih, nak ikut ke tak. 

Diorang faham. Insyallah mesti faham.

Sebab hidup ni hidup masing2 kan.

Setidak tidaknya dah lepas tanggungjawab diorang to say something to you at least. (Read: bebelan diorang)

Hidup masing masing.

But you can never chose what to feel.

The only thing left to do is, kawal.

Cuba kawal perasaan kau tu.

Mesti ada sebab kenapa kawan kau buat sesuatu tu.

Fahamkan je la.

Tak faham pun, buat buat je faham.

kadang2 diorang bukan nak sangat kau faham. Diorang cuma nak support kau tu. Support tu penting. Walaupun kau kadang2 tak paham apa je benda yang kau support untuk diorang tu. wkwkwkwk.

Sebab kalau orang tu rasa dia perlu explain, dia akan.

Tapi kalau dia rasa dengan penjelasan dia tu akan lagi keruhkan keadaan, dan sebab tu dia pilih untuk tidak bagi penjelasan, takpe.

Pujuk hati kau tu.

Some things are better left unspoken.

Plus, i learnt that it never hurts not to know things you aren't supposed to. 

Tentu ada sebab kenapa Tuhan taknak kau tau dari awal.

Kalau aku quote buku Aleph, dia cakap gini.

"if we had spoken before, you would not have been ripe. If we were to talk later, you would have rotted."

Ingat tu.

Dan satu lagi, 

"Either learn to love thorns or don't accept any roses."

If you want to have relationship with someone else other than yourself, bear with them. 

If they can, why can't you ?

p.s. Supposedly nak cakap. Priorities. Your CALL. Get that right. -_-

kosong.

i don't know man. i feel so empty.

just what have i done for my life as of now?

had some talk with a stranger and it made me think a lot about my future.

ke mana hala tuju aku?

apa aku nak buat dengan hidup aku ni?

almost feels like i have been given a text book after all these years to guide me throughout my years and now i don't see the textbook anymore. 

Or maybe i don't need one anymore.

Tempat makan marhaen.

Wokey. setakat duduk Shah Alam Seksyen 7 ni aku dah detect mana2 tempat yang aku suka makan.

Kalau laksa, aku suka pi makan kat gerai kecik kat corner depan Bangunan Worldwide ni.

Kalau rasa nak makan mi bandung ke, mi rebus ke, sotong kangkung ke, tahu bakar ke, aku pi Restoran Bisik Bisik.

Kalau nak makan char kuetiau, aku pi Restoran Sri Gemilang area Danaumas.

Kalau nak megi goreng telur mata, aku suka pi Ali's Corner.

Kalau nak makan Hot & Roll aku slalu pi yang kat Caltex sec3 tu. Awal2 pagi seawal jam 9 kot aku rasa dah buka. kena baik2 sikit dgn makcik indon tu, baru boleh dapat extra toppings teehee.

Rasa rajin sikit dan macam nak celebrate, aku suka pi ss15. Situ ada

- Tryst cafe, ada pancakes, segala waffle bawah rm10.

 - Upstairs Cafe, kopi2 dia best. makanan dia pun. tapi sekarang macam dah overpriced sikit.

- Joe's Kitchen. pizza murah dan sedap bagi aku.

Oh camaraderie.

Kau tahu?

Banyak yang aku belajar dari berkawan ni.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang apa yang kita cakap, tak semestinya kita betul betul maksudkan.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang kita perlu belajar berkongsi. Apa yang seronok, apa yang tidak, sedih, marah, semualah, seronoknya kalau ada orang untuk share semua tu.

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar yang kita perlu belajar untuk terima kekurangan orang lain. Tak ada siapa yang sempurna, tapi tak salah kan kalau kita nak cari kawan yang melengkapkan kita?

Dengan berkawan, aku belajar tentang latar belakang yang bermacam-macam.

Oh family dia ajar dia macam ni.

Oh family dia semua perempuan.

Oh adik beradik dia semua lelaki.

Oh dia anak sulung/last.

Oh family dia ada dia je.

Oh dia tak ada ayah/mak. 

Oh dia dah biasa senang/susah.

sebab semua mempengaruhi cara dia. 

Dengan berkawan aku belajar yang tak semua manusia kita boleh percaya 100%. Kata kata dia, dan mungkin jugak kata-kata aku sendiri. Pemahaman boleh berbeza. Contoh aku cerita pasal biru, dia dengar biru, tapi nanti akhir akhir dia mungkin faham hijau. atau hitam, atau merah. 

Dengan berkawan aku belajar untuk sayang. 

Sayangnya nak lepas seseorang tu bila kita rasa kita dah kenal dia. 

"Sayangnya kalau dia dah tak kawan aku lagi. Tapi apa boleh buat. Itu pilihan dia."

Dengan kawan aku belajar malu.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku macam gini gini.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku tak lah sesenang mana. Fikiran aku je yang selalu positif.

Contoh.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tahu aku sayang mati kat dia.

Contoh.

Malunya kalau kawan aku tak sayang aku sesayang aku kat dia.

Contoh jugak.

Dengan kawan aku belajar benda baru. 

Benda benda yang dia minat.

Benda benda yang dia dah biasa, mungkin kita dah tau, mungkin tidak.

Untuk terima atau tidak, itu terserah.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar yang akan ada je di luar sana tu yang sekepala dengan kita.

Yang boleh terima kita. Sebab terima atau tidak. Itu juga satu pilihan.

Walau sepelik manapun kita.

Kalau tidak, mungkin belum sampai masanya lagi. Takpe, tunggu.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar untuk sakit hati.

Bila kawan kita tak nak cakap dengan kita. Langsung berhenti bercakap.

Kita tak paham kenapa.

Mudahnya kalau semua orang boleh duduk bersama dan bincang apa yang tak kena.

Tapi bukan semua orang semudah tu.

Kadang prioriti dia dan kau tak sama.

Tambahan, Situasi real life memang tak seindah drama.

Action. Cut. Dah jumpa hero dan heroin.

Kalau bernasib baik, ada lah kebetulan.

Selalunya tidak. Diam macam tu aje.

Bila kawan kita lagi seronok bila dengan kawan lain.

Bila kita tak dapat bagi benda benda yang kita tak ada, tapi dengan kawan lagi mudah je dia dapat.

Bila kita tak dapat terima apa yang kawan kita cakap. 

Selalunya sebab betul. Bila betul, lagi sakit hati. 

Kalau kawan kita ikhlas, insyallah kita perlu belajar faham kenapa dia buat / cakap macam tu.

Kalau tidak, sentiasalah ingat, manusia ni kengkadang main cakap je. Tak pilih perkataan betul2. 

Tak semua orang boleh berfikir dengan bijak dalam sekelip mata.

Kau pun. Aku pun. Dia pun.

Dengan berkawan aku belajar sifat untuk memanggil seseorang sebagai kepunyaan kau.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh ditanda kau punya.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh di'tag' lepastu tak ada sesiapa lagi yang boleh ambil dia pergi.

Kalaulah kawan tu boleh diberi cincin. Lol.

Sounds so wrong, man. Kawan je pun. pun? PUN?

tak doh. kau habiskan masa dengan kawan kawan lebih dari family. Sebab family kau tak ada di sisi. Pilihan agak terbatas di situ.

Jagalah kawan tu baik baik.

Walau sesakit mana pun hati sebab benda yang dia buat, sebab benda2 yang dia dah buatlah yang sentiasa membuatkan aku fikir 10,20x untuk tidak berkawan lagi dengan orang tu.

Sebab bila kau dah putuskan yang kau sesungguhnya sudah putus asa dengan dia, memang ada silap besar dah jadi. Toleransi mungkin kurang dari mana mana pihak. Dan mungkin komunikasi selama ni lagi banyak dari satu pihak je.

Ingat je lah. Perhubungan.

Kan ke hubungan tu antara dua pihak. 

Bukan kau sorang je.

Kau bukan dia, dia bukan kau.

Tak kira walau sesama mana kau rasa kau dan dia.

Kalau semua simpan dalam otak, dalam hati, tak kasi keluar, mana pihak lagi satu nak tahu?

"Takkan dia tak tahu, aku dah kasi hint"

Eh helo, mulut ada, cakaplah.

Malu?

habis kalau malu, kau nak berhenti takat situ je?

Aku percaya takdir, tapi aku percaya juga usaha.

Kalau ada rezeki.

Habis, kau berharap je la pada rezeki tanpa perlu usaha...?

Ada orang nasib dia baik, dapat je.

Ada orang tidak.

Hidup ni hidup kau.

Aku benci betul orang yang suka salahkan orang lain. Atau tuding jari. 

"Dia bagitau aku gini gini gini. Sebab tu aku buat gitu."

Eh hello, kau otak tak ada ke? nak kena orang lain fikirkan untuk diri sendiri? Asyik salahkan orang je. Kau yang biarkan diri kau dipengaruh tu tak nampak pulak salah kau ye

Habis kau nak tunggu je ke?

Hidup kau.

Pilihan kau.

p.s. Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us."
—Fay, Riding In Cars With Boys

Gems tau. bukan germs kbye.

Just how much it affects you would make you think just how big someone mean to you. Well, used to.

one who ignores might be the one who used to care so much. Never forget that.

Is this a beautiful nightmare merepek

Apa itu rindu ?

Fuh. I'm not one to talk about this actually.

i guess this is just an attempt.
a weak attempt from my side whatever missing someone means to me.
and why should i write on this?
well.. why shouldn't i?

because right now i am missing.
many persons for very various reasons.
Be it due to my past, and maybe because my present is just not that fun anymore.
Eh?
it's my choice, right?
Because it happens now. I can still change it.

Just that, human sometimes need time to make them realise things they have let go. or accidentally let go. or accidentally on purpose let it go.

For once, i shall tell you one of my stands in this life.
That if you want a candy, you can have it.
A child may depend on an adult to get one.
But an adult, that is when one must make a choice, whether to have it or not, whether to have it too much, or too less of it.
Because  life of an adult is about making choice.
Making decisions.
Note here that this candy i am referring now, may not be a candy anymore.
it is more to things that can bring you poison if you have too much of it, if you know it well.
well, most of the times, you do. you do know it will lead to worse situation, if you already have it bad.

I have friends that i consciously realise they somehow pull me down and caught me in their entanglement. Such allurement. Such.. enchant.
Just like how moth is enticed to the flame.

Some of them even awakens my inner uncivilized, animal manner.
I am not sure it is wise to appraise such manner.
Note that i use the word "entanglement". which may sounds negative as it may be.
Still, such matter owed an illustration from my side though.

I have friends who is fitting me just like a piece of tetris. Perfectly.
And then it never came across to my mind
that this piece of tetris is bringing along a grenade with it.
Just when i myself started to feel the excitement on how things fitting perfectly.


Some of them make me wary of my own feelings whenever they are around. and the other way around.
On how i am making them feel.
On how well they understood me.
well of course this could never be achieve if you fail to do your part, by sharing things.
Sharing your thoughts freely.
Because you know, no matter how crooked you may be, no matter how fragile you were once,
they might not acknowledge it, they might not go with it,
At the least, they do know, you are just being you.
There will come a time when you realise, no matter how you try to mold someone into a person you think is better than they are right now, without their side of consciousness intact,  you might want to think and start again. On why you start it on the first place.
You don't give up, you just understood that everyone is in control of their own lives.
They should live however they want to.

Some of them make me acutely aware of seeing future with them in it.
Weh it would be fun when you have your children one day, and you will introduce to them, "Hey kids, they're my close friends and I am proud of them for still being my friends after all these times."
That perseverance. I want to have it. I really really really do.

Some of them ponders me so much i get so annoyed and while we are spinning in the merry-go-round, i am starting to stop and wonder how would it be if i let their hands go.
As their hands are starting to suffocate my air, somehow.

Some fails to put down my hunger for them. 

On how friendship should make you a more fun person with them in the frame. 

in YOUR OWN frame.

Or maybe, you should be the one who's making it fun instead of waiting for some miracle to happen and make everything less boring.

Or maybe, because you finally realise you don't have the ability to do so, and we're back to square one.


and some of them has succeed in making me wonder what friendship is all about. 

They give me a push when i needed one. Or two. Or three. (i secretly adore just how cute they are when they push me to do things with their good intentions wanting to see me succeed awhh :'))

honestly kan, not just push. Punch me if you need to. People need that wake up call sometimes weh.

Also, they give me their shoulders when the rainy days came through. 

takyah lah sampai menangis sama2. 

It takes a lot of courage for some people to show their fragile side tau. Especially to their close friends.

They provide me tinsy little flare for me to light up my little cupboard i'm living in.
They even lure me out of it when i was afraid to come out and to trust people again. macam biasa, kita dop tahu apa orang tu dah pernah lalui. banyak kali dah kena makan kawan ke, asyik diperguna ke, kadang kalau bukak cerita, membara balik. tak cerita asyik tanya kenapa kau macamni blablabla. 

Tapi takpa, sebab last2 kita tau depa kisahkan kita.

Bukan sebab nak sibuk tahu pasal semua orang je semata mata.

Eksklusif tau layanan gitu.

Well isn't  that wonderful?
Most of my friends don't realise it, but i shine outbright at most when they smile. Even if it's too dark for them to see mine.


And also.
Consciousness.
Realisation. all of sudden everything is clearer.
the dots you have been collecting, or connecting, might finally drawn into half of a picture.
but is it true?
Is the picture you are connecting is the truth?
Because most of the times, people only see what they want/expect to see.
People do not realise something, until other people came into the picture and tell you things.
might be things you missed to see (due to our rose tinted, negative tinted or sephia tinted glass. your call) , or all of sudden, one day...

It's like one day, you wake up, and you realise, "Damn, Am I not missing  something...."
But what is it? What is it in life that you are missing?

Just when you realise you missed something in your life, you just don't know what the hell is it that you're missing.
A friend? A family member? Friendship? Family ties? a connection? Memories?
Just what is it?

You wander in the dark, because you don't really see the picture you are in.
You're in the dark. Nobody knows this, unless you tell them.
And when you decided to tell one, other people just don't see it the way you see the picture.
And now you are left in the dark. Alone.

I am conscious I am in that state right now. i just don't sure when is it that my picture has been surrounded by the darkness. Just who brought it?

It takes at least two people to make a relationship. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing they do that's not to your liking. 

On one side, I have the choice not to be alone. I try my best to be surrounded by familial love.
But perhaps, i sought for friendship ties.
Unconcsciously, i envy person with very close friends.
and maybe i was trying to find it in my own version.
for my own.
for me to own.
Or is it more than friendship love from one that i seek ?
Nah, another commitment to commit.
I am already lost with my present commitment.
I do not think I should need to seek for another commitment, at times being downcast of my failed attempts of seeking, and at times being downcast of my failed persons findings, too many things to be achieved by one called N. 

Let's catch a breath and never forget this,