These pandemic is bringing the worst out of me. Maybe not only the pandemic to be blame for, but also time that is passing.
I am so lucky to have these friends. It's like one way of God telling me. "Di, you are not alone. I know you think you are, but you are not. My good servants are surrounding you. Just take a good look and try harder to learn to appreciate more." And I did. And I found my peace alas.
I have such limited resources to retaliate to these people whatever shape of love they are sending me, but I still have my prayers. And prayers are not something to look down at. What more, when the prayers are wishing nothing but well and goodness to other people.
Abu Darda reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “No Muslim servant supplicates for his brother behind his back but that the angel says: And for you the same.”
I may be selfish, but I find my peace by praying goodness to others, because I am praying for myself too. For me to be as good as they have been to me. For them will never know how much it means to me, how suffocated I was losing in my despair and sometimes I couldn't push my legs back in order to find the surface to take a breath. I just feel like my body is being taken away by the current.
God must have been feeling so sad. Because I was not grateful enough to appreciate the life which He has given to me. Now, it makes me feel better when people put effort for me as much as I did for them. It makes me feel better when people say that out loud. It makes me feel better when I strive to be better and good and succeed at it. Even not at one go. Even if it will take a few hundred times.
What has passed is past. I shan't dwell in my past. The past might not be a good idea to stay in, but at least, I must pull myself together and move forward. Be better. If person A does not see it, doesn't mean I should still be dancing around person A. People make effort for people they think deserve to be in their lives. I have stopped caring for those who aren't. And for those who are, I try to care more for them.
It's never a wonderful feelings when the person you miss is not there at the end of the phone line anymore. Not there to see you anymore. And the only medium for you to do so is through God. It's so exasperating.
Well I am in no team since both are the two people I love most. But when one of them start to do whatever they did to me, I can't help but to hate their action. You did that to me, I could handle it. But why are doing that to other people too? The ones which I really care about. I am just a human. I try to be kind. I try to be understanding at times. But sometimes I just couldn't. So what I did was, I leave it to God. Pray that God will show them ways to be happier by not hurting somebody else.
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