pre-birthday post

dear God i wish he'll like me as much as i like him rn. 

or if you cant do that, please take this feeling's away from me. 

I mean, how can you let your servant like someone who can't even like her back? 😢😟 

and what's worse he even belongs to somebody else. 😔 

i don't want to long for somebody else's. 

it's not fair for her, not fair for me either..

BE STRONG, NADIA.

and he's sitting right in front of me,
laughing at his phone.
to the person faraway but he cared the most.

i really, really wish to God i could bring happiness as much as she can
but i couldn't.

maybe this is why my timing was poor.
for if he could've accepted me, i could've only brought him regret.
thank you God.
i now understand.

"There are some fires I must forget, even if I have to extinguish them with my bare hands."

aku tengah tarik nafas dalam dalam ni.
Tengah bersabar dan bertabah.
Lulz.
Aku tengah cuba nak sayang diri sendiri dulu baru aku boleh sayangkan orang lain.
Kenz?

Okay God

and God said,

"no, Nadia. Not now."

fine

"dia bukannya syok kat kakak pun. Dia tu cuma kesian je kat kakak, sebab kakak kawan dia."

weh serius macam kena lempang bila angah cakap camtu..............

fine, everyone, fine.

Secebis kertas, konfesi aku, & dia.

"Aku suka lepak dengan hang. Tapi lepas ni kita dah tak boleh keluar macam ni dah."
"Kenapa?"
----Diam---
"Sebab aku jadi makin suka kat hg. and I don't want that to happen anymore. (I need to move on.)"

dahla rejek aku, lepastu nak recommend aku orang lain pulak. dia ingat perasaan ni mcm kredit agaknya, boleh main transfer je. Lempang kang

Dan aku sekarang tersadai di hadapan mcD, berlatar belakangkan muzik bingit, dengan hujan di hati.
Sesungguhnya hati seorang Ann begitu kuat sekali hari ini. Paling kuat.
Bermula dari cebisan kertas hingga sedutan terakhir kopi ais.




P.s. apa lah tanya "why me?" kat aku.
Mana boleh bagitahu rahsia aku.
Karang semua orang suka dekat dia macam mana. Hahahaaaa

FUCK LA FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK

APASAL BURDENING SANGAT FEELING NI HOIII

tell me why love has to be so illogical but feel so right at the same time?

stop sighing, Ann.

"and sometimes you just want to feel connected."

stupidity

most of the times i'll do things even me, myself would be surprised of.

contohnya, macam semalam.
what the eff i was puffing in front of M, my friend???!!
i just casually asked him one, asked him to light on, and
seconds after, i was casually puffing away with him.
WTF WTF WTF

another 3 days.

of courselahhhhh

dia cakap perempuan tu batch dia
and then dia nak try lagi
and then semalam konvo
and semalam dia kata nak balik awal
bila tanya why he didnt answer
he answered up a call
and tak nak bagitau aku yang dia actually pergi konvo semalam

OBVIOUSLY HE WENT TO SEE THE GIRL

meh. all in all, aku jumpa Zahiaq jugak. and he's in Klang right now. kat firm Ieka M. te he hehe.

Progressment of Project: To un-like F

today is tuesday.
it's been 9 days.
Until my 2-week-promise dissipates.

honestly?
i feel...not bad lah..
I see his smile.
I still think he's cute
He still annoys me
but my heart stopped jumping out of its arena whenever he does that.
and my heart def stopped squealing
EACH and EVERY time whenever he used to smile, and talk to me. and talk to other girls.
so UNHEALTHY okay.
dahlah sekelas, hapedaaaaa

i'm starting to treat him like H, my other super-close-guy-friend.
I started to familiarise myself calling him Baby too!
Just like how I did with H.
I started to feel nothing everytime he calls me Baby
because i know he didnt even mean it after all
Unlike me
I mean, how I used to be lah.

but he's still my eye candy okay!
from time to time
i WILL never stop myself telling him that he's cute
because he reallllly isss cuttteee dearrr goddddd

Someday i'll tarik his pipi and we seeeee how it goes
SOO COMELLLLL!

Silly one week more

Seminggu je lagi you are allowed to be indifferent with him due to your syok feeling to him, Ann.
After that, you can come back and play with him like nothing ever happen.
People like him wont settle with girls like you. You. Particularly you alone.
Tuhan, penatnya suka dekat orang yang tak suka kita balik........
Fuh... but i feel like i'm not doing my best if i dont tell him i actually like him..

No. not this time.
You'll ruin everything!
No more rejection weh.
Tired already doh.
Lord, really, i am so tired

it has been such a fast one month.

Tired.

Sometimes love makes you behave like a stupid.
And for people who constantly disfigures their life will always try to find a worthier one. Every single time.

I cried today. Meh no news.
But hafiz was so nice to handle me like a good friend always do.
Of F.
Now that's bcs of me, myself and I to blame.
Orang tu elok je tak buat apa pun kat aku.
But i will always taint nice people like that with my feelings.
He's a nice friend, maybe that's why my heart sees him in different shades.
A rose shade, i suppose.

And i thought it was perhaps just the physical attraction
no that was not the case Ann
That was not it
I DESPISE these kind of feelings
Makes me weak
Of you
Of your "niceness"
Of stupid me whom has no resistance to these simple little things
That my heart and my brain took decision
To decipher it as complicated stuff.




Or maybe these all are just a phase.
A chapter in one's life
That i must go through
In order to teach me
Friendship
Or even gratefulness.

I hate it when i always have to suffer these moments.
I broke into tears
If it didnt matter then tell me why does it hurt

So many words in the world
Yet so little words i could choose to tell the world on you.

Itu lah ibu dah cakap kan.
Cari orang yang suka kat kita,
Not the other way around.
And now i'm stuck here
Writing about you at 3am.
Maybe i should just sleep on it this time.
Good night

after 2 hugs

okay next week gonna ask his phone and delete this. memalukan lah perempuan perangai gini. bodonyalaaa 

p.s. i longed for a warm hug so much and i got it while i was dreaming last night. i even got that big, warm hug twice! Wuuuuuuu kemains eh. dunno lah how i ended up dreaming about that. but then when i woke up in the morning (which explained why i woke up late this morning!) rasa macam Ya Allah leganya.. rasa macam tonnes of problem is nothing compared to these big hugs i got.

p.p.s. LLB sangat menghabiskan duit okay. duit kelas, duit notes, duit kartrij, duit barang2 office, duit bekalan makanan, duit barang keperluan, ya rabbi

itulah ibu dah cakap tak nak dengar kan

You know when you like somebody,
you're actually imposing a burden to the person?

and sometimes they run away from you.
The feeling is a burdening them.

I really, really like being his friend.
Padahal baru sebulan lebih.
Dan mungkin sebab aku tak pernah jumpa orang yang boleh accept perangai aku yang pelik ni
So mungkin sebab itu juga aku rasa tertarik dengan dia
Or just because dia comel (physical attraction je kot)


So aku dah janji dengan dia.
After two weeks i will stop being weird with him.
Dia cakap "just be yourself".
No I cannot
You might run away from me someday

And i really, really hate thinking that it might.

So take a deep breath, Ann.

Am I in love with you. or am I in love with the feeling?

I really have to sort this out quickly. Time's ticking.

Tapi sekarang kan, aku dah try practice sikit sikit pandang dia.
aku harap lama lama perasaan bila tengok dia, and then jantung aku berdegup kencang tu akan hilang segera.
bila dia pandang aku, jantung aku rasa nak melompat keluar
Bila dia senyum aku rasa macam wahh what a great day
Dan bila tahu dia takkan suka aku balik, my tears would stop welling up. Macam sekarang.
Kontrol, Ann. Kontrol.
These things should cease immediately.
You have got to stop liking people just because they are being nice, super nice to you
Just because they're being polite.
JUst because they can accept you.
Stop being so easy.

Come on.
Takpelah Ann. Kau jaga je lah diri kau elok elok.
Kalau ada tu, ada lah.
Penat lah asyik terjatuh ni.
Kalau jatuh takpe lagi, ini luka berdarah darah.
Boleh tak kau faham yang hati kau ni dah penat?
Brain, stop and behave yourself!

actual arr..eh no. confession? Lol.

" bukan nak cakap lah, tapi muka awak dengan yang tadi tu sama lah."
" muka sama tak sama M, yang saya suka bukan yang itu."

tengah kesiankan diri sendiri

Betul la mak aku cakap. Kalau orang lelaki tu betul betul suka kat kita, dia akan bagitahu sendiri. :(
Mungkin aku ni kurang kesabaran, sebab tu lah kot kan.
rupa pun biasa biasa je, bahasa cantik sangat, pandai pun tidak.
Down nya lah hai

terrible impulse

i was about to let F read this but then meh. i dont know what made me change my mind.
Maybe too much clutter in my brain rn?

probate is not progressing so i'm writing this instead

Apparently nobody ever thought of me as "someone they would be afraid to lose".

Ye lah. until now nobody ever confess to me (as i already did to a number of people. silly.)

hmmmmmmmmm............I wonder what it feels like.


p.s. esok pagi dah kena hantar probate. plus ada presentation right after that. ha ha kill me now please (please dont. i still want to fall in love and be loved back)

Pretty

how to be prettier errday? find someone who thought you are  and spend your eternity moment latergh together. 

If, there is one.

there are so many wonderful people in this world. i just want one. can't i?

two insane people

because they are insane enough to love meeeeeee

ya rabbi sayangnya aku dengan dua ketul manusia niiiiiii

p.s. told them about F and they were like whaaaaaat

Pretty children, better future.

what if i want my future children to grow a lot prettier (and kind of course)? and i don't think by having me as their mom would assist that

if i could choose a family, i'd still choose this one. i love everyone. each one of them made me who i am today

train to busan

sebenarnya aku nak beli baju putih harini,  akim pun nak tengok cerita tu, so kami dua ketul pi lah aman central... anyah dah balik semalam :(

i love the suspenseee!! bunyi kena gigit scaaryyy and timing pun bagus!

-14 sept '16

if i could choose a family, i'd still choose this one. i love everyone. each one of them made me who i am today

nasib

selalu kena sisih dengan bapak sebab bapak ingat kita lebihkan ibu

kena perli ngan mak sebab katanya banyak tipu muslihat

Stupid plant just how its going to stay alive?

you splashed poison to the little plant

and then when the plant didnt die, instead grows into poison plants

sometimes the plant emits it poison accidentally

but sometimes the plant just, being a poison plant.

you apologized to the plant v much

the plant, which started to become conscious, forgives, thinking you were its creator after all.

the creator kept other plants too 

hoping that the other plants would not ever becoming or ended up like the poison plants

but you keep watering it poison even after that all of sudden

even after you fertilises it

just how can the plant gets ever normal again?

makan angin

aku masak maggi je kot.

i didnt know my mom asked my dad to eat out.

sebab tu bila orang bercakap, dengar.

kenapa? salah ke? tidak kan?

aku tak tahulah ayah aku ni kenapa. kalau bab mintak duit, insyallah mudah (despite some words used). But our dad seldom listen to us.
is it because we are nobody to him? Sibuk je dengan telefon. Kadang kadang aku doa jugak Tuhan hancurkan telefon ayah tu. Tapi, he could just buy another one. that wont solve anything pun. When we talk he rarely listens.

Aku risau ayah aku ada orang lain je. Melawak, melawak jugak. Kalau ayah aku sabar dengan kerenah mak aku, mak aku laaaagi banyak sabar dengan kerenah ayah aku. nobody's perfect.

but he doesnt know. Ayah always thought his patience makes him got through all. Never he understood it is always Ibu who complements all his loopholes. his flaws. i now realised that now.

mak aku dah banyak pendam. sebab tu bila benda kecil jadi pun, aku jadi paham. kenapa sekecil kecil benda mak aku nak bising jugak.
i used to side with Ayah when i thought Ibu was the emotional one. Ibu was always the bad one. Poor Ayah.
No that was not it.

As you grow older, insecurities jumps into your life. you were happy once. But once is not forever. Once is not enough.

and i thought, people with good looks may have been taking their lives for granted.
while people with none are living with insecurities. for the rest of their lives.

these good looking people would never get it. even though they may be have their own insecurities. because the world shines for them.
perhaps not all the time, but most of it.

and sometimes too we might get withdrawn with that good looks. When that good looks might be the best lure with what youre going to deal later in life. The price you might have to pay for it, sometimes might causes you the rest of your lives.

ignorance is bliss. no it's not. it kills people who cares about you.
maybe i just understood that. at the least it is killing my mom little by little.

sometimes you love people so much you give them power to hurt you just a little bit more. and that happens to my Mom rn.


all these things may seem cock and bull tales but then i just dont know where to start. or what to write. because some of them have been lingering in my mind for too long i thought i should keep quiet of it. some of them i thought i should just ignore them. some should be demolished.

Q

soalan hanyalah soalan. 

Sampailah kau interpret soalan itu sesuatu yang "Apahal tanya soalan macamni pulak?" instead of finding the answers to the questions.

Ticks me off

it's strange how the persons you love knows just the right amount to ticks you off. accidentally on purpose agaknya.

Kita, kalau tak ada benda baik nak cakap, please shut the piehole please. Daripada orang tak ada apa apa hard feeling terus rasa sakit hati. Mak pak je yang boleh buat gini. Harap harap esok kalau aku bercadang nak ada anak, aku akan ingat natang ni sampai bila bila. Walaupun melawak (je katanya)

it's DLCW you are the true winner to us!!! 

J

I used to wonder why didnt Jared Leto act masa mula2 tengok mv The Kill. His mesmerizing blue eyes lagi. he's soo darn good looking! But then i love his singing more...

Team Badminton Power!!

it's okay guys!!! you already made us proud with your spirit!!! 

ya allah Olimpik kali ni memang betul betul kasi gegar lah.

Team Badminton Malaysia Olimpik 2016 power nkhrm!!!! Team renang pun sama!! Aku dari tak layan sports terus rasa bersemangat. sakit tekak doyyyy menjeritttt kais semangat (walaupun kita jauh beribu batu)

anyways, esok aku tamatlah percutian aku kat LBJ ni... okaylah.. rumah sewa dah dapat, baby pun dah hari2 jumpa, makcik pakcik sepupu aku pun, what more could i ask? (':

some people makes you do unthinkable things on terrible impulse. not that it's bad all the time

iloveyouguysboththesame!

It's fun to have lots of friends.

It's a lot more fun if you are rich and can lavish your nice friends with stuff they want. Like Santa. (':

#okaymaybeilovehermore 

ask nicely with no NO.

how do grown ups even ask something from their parents without being turned away or even you ended up holding their leg up because you beg them so much to give you what you want anyway? Darnit

i want to have not so many children, but not less than 2 for each gender because i don't want them to think that I was just being bias but I'm only human who am i kidding darnit 

Post-Scrubs S04 and S05 Ep04

sometimes i'm glad my sister is not the eldest. 

there would be so much of look up to. 

she will be the very much first sister and we had to make such example out of her. So many expectations must be fulfilled. now with me you must believe that since I'm not such a bright myself, tha bar has been set quite low for the other siblings.

She is the very sister i would go run and tell my problems to because, most of the times she'll give out the most brilliant solution or the best way out from her eyes (and sometimes the best, like-she-could-see-it-from-our-parents-eyes)

She's so perfect i always thankful to god for letting me be her elder sister. sometimes i also think i don't deserve these people i called siblings.

but sometimes too, parents have to come and ruin it for us. not our mom, she tried her hardest (god bless you mom) to love her children equally, occasionally i just HAD to remind myself that my mom is just a human being. and favouritism is such a human thing to do. yes she loves our brother quite dearly. being her hope (of bein the heir of the family of course. such an asian thing to do)

but our dad, i could see it so clearly that he prefers my sister out from us four. she's brilliant, her CGPA up sky high, she's pretty (my ex used to tell me that), she got the money without being questioned too much (this, we know by heart she's quite a splurge at heart,Lol) yet my dad never has the heart to tell her off.. she even get to be honest to tell things to my parents before they flipping out! now that's quite a superpower let me tell you

with me, though i used to not do wrong things (things that would make they lost trust in me), meh. it's the same. they wont even trust me. I could never get to go somewhere without even lying. Oh well, i've adapted to that. A girl's gotta live by keeping her sanity intact you know... and maybe if you could stop referring to ME every time any of the siblings try to joke with our mom, i would get blame definitely. "Oh dah pandai menipu? Nak jadi kakak dah sekarang?"

Mind you. we were doing great. my sister just decided to usik her. then she gon be like just decided to sizzle at the tip of the iceberg making me lose my patience by saying that. TIBA TIBA JE. ya rabbi sabar je lah.

how can parents be let to be proud without even their parents teaching them anything? How are we not growing each other up? 

My parents don't seem to grasp the concept of children making mistakes of their own so they could understood what lifens about. Yes parents are the greatest lifesaver. But stopping me from living isnt going  to stop me from dying! 

but i try to believe that god is giving me for things i need. and i guess for now they are good enough for me. Thank you God. now please just let me start living by letting my parents cutting me up some slacks, eh?

stupid things make your eyes broke into tears

it doesnt matter if you are right or wrong.

Ayah and nini just gon think you stood your mom up

WHY THE FUCK 

you guys don't even want to talk this things out.

main perli perli je.

i hate this.

i hate for for knowing things and hoping that my family would be in together. thinking things through together.

WHAT THE FUCK

WHY

now my tears are rolling wtf wtf wtf

i just have to be very very VERY patient.

jumaat is Q's long call day

i must be veeery patient.

To Self

be the bigger person, nadia. Be it!

Because i cared too much.

my eyes brimming with tears?

why?

because i care.

kalau aku diam, buat bodoh dan tak terfikir nak cuba explain kepada siapa siapa, this wont happen.

Nini wont even see at my reasoning.

dia cuma cakap "kasarnya bahasa."

When i asked was i wrong?

she said no, i was right.

then how should i say it?

She kept silent.

imbalance of life

i believe that all people have their own sustenance, their own subsistence. but then your parents do the things "they always let your sisters do, but not when you do it."

"but why?" you asks. everytime.

because you werent born with enough brains

brains--->good results--->parents (dad) love you moareee

dads just ruining the balance don't you see

Cop = (labelling people names)

aku tak faham yang jenis cop playgirl dekat orang yang banyak crush ni. (read:me) 

hang ni banyak tengok cerita rekaan fiksyen. i wont spend my lifetime fangirling only ONE person yo.

nonetheless it's one GREAT defence mechanism for people like me. The one people rarely give chances.

ugly people + stupid human being should not breed. (read:me)

i don't want to burden my children with my stupidity + my gene

You have no idea the amount of time I spend mesmerizing, obsessing, bedazzled of other people's beauty, but when it comes to myself ....

Sabar

mak aih hina betul bapak aku buat sebab nak mintak duit belanja. 

sabar weh sabar.

Hangat hati.

Alah kalau aku buka mulut untuk bercerita pun bukannya orang paham. Depa tak nampak cara aku nampak sesuatu.

Depa takkan dapat rasa apa yang dah aku alami yang seterusnya menjadikan segala rasa yang aku ada sekarang ni.

Aku tak tahu ini adalah disebabkan ketidakbagusan menjadi anak sulung ke atau ketidakbagusan dalam keberadaan aku dalam keluarga ini.

:3 why notttttt

1. wasnt puberty supposed to make me hot

benci tangkap 100 yang eloknya adalah 5,6,7.

EVERYONE GLOWS IN PICTURES, BUT ME. 

Ignorant sampah.

there were soo many wonderful people despite the sea of assholes during my school times. 

and of course i just have to realise that 7 years later.

Adoilah.

to ALL my chapter titles

fake it till you make it.

(fake it like you're feeling nothing upon it until you be numb of the pain)

Better late than never

i was never good at making friends i shall do so now. 

(dah berapa kali ulang entah tak tahu)

Eiddd Mubarak

Happy Eid guysssss!!!

cita cita baru: nak jadi cantik dengan perangai elok + budi bahasa cantik (pffft tak adalah baru pun)

Boss tanya aku lepas berhenti ni nak buat apa.

"Oh saya ingat nak sambung kerja kat Perlis,Encik A."

Dengan boss nombor dua haritu aku cakap aku nak berehat. ha ha. rehat.
harey kalau rehat tak masyuk la maknanya.
mereput hang kat rumah tu jawab dia.

hai lah. kalaulah makpak aku kaya raya, aku dah PI TRAVEL KE JEPUN
HUAAAAAAAAAAA NAK PI JEPUNNNN DENGAN DUIT POKET YANG BANYAKKKKKKKKKK
WHY GOD WHYYYYYY
WHY DO NICEST THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO PRETTY PEOPLEEEEEEE WHYYYYYYY


ok lah fair enough. aku cuma perlukan tempat untuk membebel dan menangisi nasib aku (sangat drama queen) ni je.

hahah mengada ngada. Orang kat Palestine sampai krisis air, hang dok buat miserable pathetic apa tah tang ni...

fine lah fine. i've been learning to cope with my feelings. with the people that i got crush on once upon a time. now i just wish them to find happiness. honest. sebab aku rasa, aku rasalahkan. kalaulah depa tu yang terbaik untuk aku, kenapa tuhan tak temukan aku dengan depa terus ja? instead, tuhan bagi aku peluang. untuk penuhkan chapters dalam hidup aku dengan setiap kisah yang berbeza.

tapi aku rasa sedih jugak kadang kadang. because many things (read:FUN things) used to happen so many times to me before (that would involved boys lah)
mungkin tuhan nak aku belajar supaya mencari kegembiraan daripada sumber lain juga mana tahu kan?

adoi
i can only hope i am moving on the right track.
Please god. TEEHEE.

2D character crush

oleh sebab aku rindu gegiler my bff, so tetiber nak cakap pasal 2d crush (okay aku tak paham apa relationship antara kedua-dua ni, but it just happened, okay?)

1. Usui Tamaki. HE'S SOOOO COOOOL BUT IN ORDER FOR THE HEROIN TO BE WITH HIM, SHE MUST BE ON THE PAR WITH HIM WHICH MEANS KENA SAMA POWER DENGAN DIA

2. Kyoya Ootori. HE'S THE EVILEST AND MOST CALCULATIVE PROTAGONIST (OR ANTAGONIST?) I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED IN COMIC BOOKS. VERY METICULOUS AND HIGHLY ECONOMICALLY SAVVY. I NEED THIS KINDA GUY IN MY LIFE WEHHHH. AND I PREFERRED HIM WITHOUT GLASSES PRETTY PLEASEEEE

3. Oga Tatsumi. LOL JK I JUST WANT BERUBO

INERVIUUUU

So! here i am. Kelmarin aku bertolak ke Shah Alam dengan Nini. Cadangnya nak tidur rumah ba-fa-fa aku, TAPI disebabkan tarbiyah boss aku yang telah membuatkan aku terlebih sedor, jadinya last last minute pergi cari hotel bajet je area Jakel tu ha.

aku doa, niat jumpa hotel bagus sikit. So lepas 5 minit aku ternampak satu signboard kata ada Wifi, ada CCTV, so yeah, that's it that's the hotel. so easy kan? So aku masuk hotel tu then ada sorang kakak comel tengah jaga kaunter. aku check helaian atas meja kaunter. so paling murah rm80. wow murahnyaaaaa apa lagi aku kasi nama kasi no telefon kat kakak tu. kakak tu pun banyak membantu aku yang banyak soalan ni hehehe. so kakak tu kata paling awal boleh check in pun 1.30tgh, oleh itu aku pergi cari kedai nak basuh keter jap.

macam biasa, aku pergi kat area Pak Li. ada satu kedai ni aku suka pergi dari part 2, fullemakk dah berubah doh. nama pun dah lain. rupanya dah tukar owner katanya. rm35 pehh berkilat ilang calar sesikit kat keter putih tuh. so berbaloi lah. kalau aku amek yang rm45 tu gamaknya berkilat macam kereta kat showroom tu entah eentah kan amenda merepek okay lepas cuci kereta masa tu dalam 2.15, alhamdulillah ada parking kosong, so aku masuk je (hotel ni ada lima je reserved parkingnya so first come first serve). so lepas kasi deposit rm50 + duit kad rm50 (warranty jep. jangan la hang pi bagi ilang plak kad tu), kitorang pun naik bilik. sampai sampai je bilik, aku dah nampak katil je. baring baring sebelum tertido aku niat jamak ta'khir dulu and pesan kat Nini (tapi kunci jam jugak) so dalam 4.30 macam tu aku terjaga and mandi + solat (masa ni aku airplane mode kan phone sebab tengah charge).

buka2 je phone tetengok ada misscall banyak kat whatsapp dah apahal. ehhhh qeela ya rabbi WutWut buat hallll. and masa aku tengok phone tu pun dah dekat jam 6. padahal dah janji nak buka puasa dengan Qeela & Man :( so she ended up buka puasa kat tepi jalan dengan bakal mak mertua dia dengan tunangnya sambil tunggu towtruck. betapa sedihhhhhnyaaaa tak berkesempatan nak jumpa langsung adoiiiiii

MAAFKAN AKU Q............................

˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚

.·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.

(つ﹏<)･ﾟ｡

so kitorang ended up berbuka bertiga dengan man dan siap bowling sesh lagik kat Plaza Alam Sentral satu round haha! minum minum then balik aku cuak kottt PAGI INTERVIEW so aku jam 7.30 ke fakulti dah. kebetulan students tengah exam kan. dan budak budak asasi pun dah pindah Dengkil. So parking lengang woohoo!

lepak lepak jap then aku contact Hafiz. jumpa 'Izzati dengan Aishah Pattali so sampai sampai je Cempaka jumpa si Zamigha pulakk. Havoc dah lulz. jam 9.30 baru diorang mula atur budak budak actually. so mula pun dalam jam 10 dah masa tu. macam biasa ikut nama alphabetical order.

DRAMA
lagi 2 pair (sekali masuk dua orang) tiba tiba aku sedar salinan sijil aku yang dah disahkan hilang! padahal aku ingat aku letak atas buku sijil aku tadi. ha sudah. ni mesti Hafiz ni. sebab aku nampak diorang duduk situ tadi lepas dia keluar bilik. kelam kabut la cari nombor si hafiz ni sebab kitorang mana kenal dia sangat pun. dia macam mutual friends to friends gitu lol. siap friend request lah kat fb punya kelam kabut hahahaha. lepastu siapa entah bagi brilliant idea suruh tweet and WE DID IT! aku terus tanya Gon and THANK GOD SHE REPLIED IMMEDIATELY and aku terus call hafiz! hahahahaha dia pun baru sedar dah terangkat sekali aku punya barang. dengan sorry tak habis habis aku gelak kata takpela datang je hantar. dah hantar tu pun dok sorry sorry lagi hahaha takpela benda dah ada pun kan. Settled.

INTERVIEW
aku masuk dengan Shaqeel (tak tahu eja nama dia aku ikut Zamigha je) dalam jam 12 gitu. Interviewer kitorang ada lima! Mdm Norma, Mdm Rafizah, Dr Azhani dan Dr Norazlina. Shaq kena tanya dulu then baru aku. aku kena tanya pasal family background, job scope dan current issue. i rambled about AntiVaxx. saying that it does not goes well with our sec 31 of Child Act and sec 269 and 270 of Penal Code blablabla. dan elok masa aku mula nak jawab tu Dr Haidar masuk. sajalah kot kan. aku dah ah dulik ah. jawab je confidently. soalan last, Dr Norazlina tanya aku, do you still play piano? hahaha aku cakap ada la sikit kan. twinkle twinkle little star boleh ar aku main tak tengok piece lolz. so dalam jam 1 jugak habis.


sampai hotel dah 1.30, kelam kabut mandi siap solat semua jam 2 terus gerak balik Penang dah. asalnya kitorang ingat nak gi tengok adik aku yang kat UIA tu tapi mak aku cakap dah lewat dah ni. so kitorang call kakngah kata tak jadi jenguk dia. the good news is she'll be back for Raya on friday (YEAYY!) but then aku still kena kerja sampai sehari sebelum raya. and event buka puasa dengan LA 2hb July (kalau jadi) ha gitu. so weekend ni aku dengan NIni tak balik Perlis lah jadinya. so yeah tu je kot. mengantuk. bye

Juadah berbuka

I'm such a sucker for things wrapped with egg. and sik krabu. and kambing bakaq.  (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

i don't know how this went to those

i look at my friends and thought to myself.

"Patutlah aku single lagi."

"Patutlah I'm still alone."

"They're so much prettiEST, no wonder."

"my kid wont be as cute. they'll follow same path as mine. i shouldnt get married. shouldnt breed."

"I'm too weird, no wonder."

"no mom would like me as their DIL I'm too strange too weird too stupid too ugly too-not-deserving-her-son....

too negative

Ah no wonder

i look at all people i used to have crush with. ada empat kot. kebetulan semua nama mula huruf A oih dah melalut. semua girlfriend depa fuh nala no wonder lah aku kena reject lagi gila nak mampoih dan aku di sini cuma dapat berdoa kalau ada kecantikan pun padaku, tuhan tolong sembunyikan ia dan biarkan yang hak saja nampak.

 aku trauma. sungguh. lelaki yang sepatutnya menjadi pelindung, memilih untuk berlaku sebaliknya.mungkin aku kena peluk je, tapi kesannya ya rabbi sampai sekarang aku tak boleh tengok pak cik tu. apa hak dia nak peluk aku? and what's worse i sthat aku pulak yang takut setiap kali jumpa. and itms not even my fault. i forgot my phone and went back home when everyone's at the kenduri. big mistake. my aunt's husband was there and said he missed me and hugged me. i keep and keep and keep. all relatives thought that i was acting a lot stranger than usual. when we visit their house, i chose not to salam with uncle. and they thought it's because bukan mahram. man i wish it was that. i kept my distance. and one day, dad talked about how he dislike uncle and i thought to myself who should i trust? Ibu or Ayah. logically i thought dad is strong so dad should do something about it. but no. nothing happened. and i thought to myself. whatever couldve been done? we're relatives. it's just an alleged act. i dont have proof. and last week, dad maybe was fooling around. he inserted his fingers into my ears. AND I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE AT ALL WITH HIS ACT but i kept quiet. i thought he was just playing. and i thought why would you joke that way? WHY THE FUCK? 

ya allah lindungi aku dan adik-adik dan semua wanita wanita yang tak berdaya.

and this article of R.Age on Laws Against Child Grooming just lighten up my scars. ya allah why do i feel so weak why god You made us so perfect, but why.

 i just hope i'll get married someday and i should be able to tell him this one day. but it's late and I'm getting tired of waiting and i guess my hope is fading. so i guess i should be stronger to myself aren't i? i will protect my mom and sisters with all my heart. God please protect us :'(

Kahwin Campur?

mungkin best jugak kahwin campur etnik ni kot eh. secara tak langsung kau boleh belajar budaya etnik lain. 

Dan paling bonus bila kau dapat belajar bahasa ketiga! Jackpottttruueyeyeuejyfvnj!

to all people in my past....

.....who've been ignored or blocked from my social networks,

please understand 

or chased once. Bich understand this.

i'm trying to start a new life and i don't want old things haunting me. 

So i'll put an end if i could or just

 

learn to let it go.

Ramadhan Mubarak gais.

8/6/2016

Muse-Time is running out

Time's ticking and I am still not married and is still not able to do silly little thingsssss that young couples do.

God help mehhhhhhh

but i aint getting married just because I'm  old AND just bcs I'm afraid i'll be the old spinster with lotsa cats AND not because everybody is doing it.

p.s. in the meantime, HiddleSwift is trending. Boo hooooooooooooo!

Trouble, trouble, double, bubble

i am really aware of my very low self esteem always giving me hard time.

People got annoyed of me.

People shoving me away.

People thinking "What the f* is wrong with this girl?"

People keeping distance from me.

Even from my favourite people.

And that saddens me a lot.

But then God might be showing me that

i shan't keep selling to those who don't even think to buy, aren't i?

as much as it hurts me to know the truth.

as i might be another subtitle, never good enough to be made for the title.

No promises

i always find that, promises bind souls.

Don't you feel that?

Mimpi Indah

semalam mimpi ada Mario Maurer

 ＼（＠￣∇￣＠）／

tapi tak ingat mimpi pasal apa 

 (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

p.s. 

katil baruuuuuuu!

*lari satu taman sambil junjung katil baru atas kepala*

My Post Breakup Songs

                   

i won't limit this only to one.

it can never be.

dolu dolu masa heartbreak heartache gila baby, the songs i would put on repeat would be

1. automatic - tokio hotel

2. harder than you know - escape the fate

3. so far away - a7x

4. dear god - a7x 

rock kan. sebab bila diorang jerit tu rasa nak jerit sekali. tapi tak boleh sebab takkan sesedap diorang lolz. so baik dengar dan nyanyi slow slow je dari belakang. 

5. potential breakup song - aly & aj

the lyrics could never relate to my situation but i ended up listening it just because. 

6. kenangan terindah - samsons

dulu tiap kali radio pasang lagu ni mata dah berkolam ikan koi dah.

7. nidji-hapus aku & nidji-sudah

harharhar.

8. only one - yellowcard

darn it i love this one so damn much. never i realised a song could make me hooked on it so darn much. i used to use this as my caller ringtone, berapa tahun entah tak tukar tukar. until recently i stopped using the number. 

one must go one with their lives, aren't they? 

Boys

"Everything interests me, but nothing holds me."

I'm a type of person who alwayssss see nice things about people. That should includes boys jugak lah kan. 

So each day i will fall for people. yes. random people. like that song,

"sometimes love can hit you every day,

sometimes you can fall for everyone you see."

I've even been accused 'playgirl' for this! Lol. Entah apa yang dia faham pasal playgirl pun tak tahu. Yelah we were 14 kan. you can talk about anything without being an issue, unlike what we have today.

I honestly feel that good looking people are nice to see lah kan. and i tend to fall for them. normally, who doesn't kan. (not saying everyone applies to this though)

i don't know.. as much as i have weak spots for babies and old people, same goes to rhese people lah.

it'll appear as if i worship them more if they're pretty AND got the brain also.. i'm aware of this and i am defenseless with how my brain works ugh.

"They don't know what I know, they don't feel what I feel, they don't fear what I fear."

Not healthy.

Dengan ini, saya mengisytiharkan untuk tidak mendengar #FlyfmFlyWolfPact lagi mulai esok 25/05/2016.

Saya juga berjanji untuk membuang nombor telefon Flyfm daripada telefon bimbit saya.

Hal ini adalah kerana setiap kali saya menghubungi konti mereka, saya selalu dapat lepas ke talian mereka. Apabila itu terjadi, saya akan mula merepek dan memalukan diri.

Cukuplah memalukan diri pada Ivan pada malam sebelumnya dan kepada mereka bertiga pada keesokan paginya.

Sekian.

Hostel

aku rasa dalam banyak banyak bilik hostel yang dihuni, bilik masa aku kat Kulim paling shiok sekali. Bilik 4. Locker ada dua. Duduk sorang.

Mom 897988765999, Child 8.

                       

Whoever says mothers are just mothers.

I can't believe my mom got this for me on random! 

I read this book some time ago on e-book and thought to search for it on the rack someday and magically it appeared on my hand instead!

Moms arr powerful now you know this for sure!

i see kitten i see me

everytime i see little kitten alone, i'll immediately feel tanks of pity rasa nak bawak ugh kesiannya you shouldn't be left alone what if it rains later? and you're alone? and hungry and no one to cuddle to :(

FAITH

why am i not shocked....
dalam dunia yang ada bermacam macam macam macam 'ilmu' ni
baik yang ditapis mahupun yang tidak
satu je yang boleh buat aku berpegang dengan akidah aku sekarang ni
always asking why TAPI kena faham yang basic dulu. WHICH IS KINDA BANYAK.

satu. solat lima waktu KENA cukup. aku pernah terbaca, kalau sempurna solat kau, insyallah sempurnalah kau. tapi ini solat pun kadang kadang nampak kaki, rukuk tak betul betul. sujud main buat macam ayam patuk padi langsung tak ada tuma'ninah, atau
pakai tudung sekadar aje, baju melekap kemains, seluar wow dua ketul, kasut sikit lagi nak tercium lantai (okay tak ada kena mengena), walaupun solat cukup lima waktu.

Haaa kena check lah balik. mungkin bacaan kau ada yang tidak sempurna. mungkin maksud bacaannya belum kau fahami (sebab solat sekadar nak kasi mak ayah nampak solat je), atau pun kau solat pun langsung idok.

yang lain? nantilah. lagipun ni penuh fallacy niiiihhhhh.
nantilah aku kupas. nak pergi bank teman ibu kbai

some of my favourite songs from almost 10 yearsssss agoh

MIMPI YANG SEMPURNA

Mungkinkah bila kubertanya pada bintang-bintang
Dan bila kumulai merasa bahasa kesunyian

Sadarkah aku yang berjalan dalam kehampaan
Terdiam terpana terbata semua dalam keraguan

Aku dan semua yang terluka karena kita

Aku kan menghilang dalam gelap malam
Lepas ku melayang

Biarlah kubertanya pada bintang-bintang
Tentang arti kita
Dalam mimpi yang sempurna


*******************************************************************

BINTANG DI SURGA

Masih ku merasa angkuh
Terbang kenanganku jauh
Langit kan menangkapku
Walau kan terjatuh

Dan bila semua tercipta
Hanya untukku merasakan
Semua yang tercipta
Hampa hidup terasa

Lelah tatapku mencari
Arti untukku membagi
Menemani langkahku
Namun tak berarti

Dan bila semua tercipta
Tanpa harus ku merasakan
Cinta yang tersisa
Hampa hidup terasa

Bagai bintang di surga
Dan seluruh warna
Dan kasih yang setia
Dan cahaya nyata

Oh bintang di surga
Berikan cerita
Dan kasih yang setia
Dan cahaya nyata

i fine thank you

Finding a good movie to have reasons to cry is better than crying without even knowing why.
dan tiba tiba movie yang kau tengok tu haram tak sedih pun. jadah betoi la.

Plan B

aku kena kerja cepat cepat, lepastu simpan duit banyak banyak. so that bila mak ayah aku paksa nak kahwin, aku boleh bayar anyone berlakon jadik bf untuk 2,3 bulan. Paling teruk pun berlakon enam bulan. HAHAHAHA

"tunggu lah nanti bila dah kerja, ada suami....."

KALAU AKU TUNGGU NANTI

ESOK ESOK DAH TUA PAKAI APA PUN TAK CANTIK DAH
DAH TUA TAKKAN NAK BUAT PERANGAI PELIK2 DAH
(though i doubt it i'll ever change. i just hope there'll be someone with me to do weird stuff together.
praying hard it wont be a cat. or a bird. or a hamster. or a guinea pig. or even an adopted kid!)

THEY SAY THERE ARE NEVER UGLY WOMEN
JUST LAZY WOMEN

HABISTU
WHY CAN'T I HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLDDDD
NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE BORN LUCKY, YKNOWWW

NI SEKARANG NI
KENAPA TAK ADA ANY PRINCE
FROM A SMALL COUNTRY
WITH WEALTH
FINDING A WIFE
AND THAT WIFE HAPPENS TO BE MEEEE

WHY CAN'T I BECOME THE "Oh, actually you know what? You're adopted. Your parents are the king and queen of blablabla"
WHY CAN'T IT BE LIKE THATTTTT

Queen of Insecurities

banganlah tiap kali aku nonton video youtube, tengok teevee, even tengok orang lalu lalang pun aku dah rasa insecure.
haruslah insecure kalau muka kau tak macam Amelia Henderson hokeh.
pores pun dah macam makin besar ni
haihh
facial bila lah ada masa + tempat bagus nak pergi

i tried almost my best EVERYtime i go out
to look confident
when i have NONE in me

so they say decorate your temple with confidence
but what do i have that i should be proud of?
takde mende pun.

ini pun aku dah mula makan supplement lah
aku beli kat oomori.my je sekarang ni
tapi tak boleh buka selalu website dia
sebab haram bukan boleh beli pun
(kalau taknak makan pasir)



waktu waktu usha make up ni lah aku mula berangan
duit berkepuk boleh beli itu ini
takpun ada laki tolong belikan
but of course kalau laki aku dapat belikan i wont be staying single like now kan

Tuhan knows what's best

adoi

For once, can't ANY of my parents support my friendship?

seorang cakap aku ni menyusahkan.
menyesal jugak aku doa bapak aku dapat naik pangkat.
sejak naik pangkat duduk jauh ni memang tak boleh mintak duit dah
katanya dah 24.
aku belum mula kerja betul lagipun. baru je praktikal.
apa benda semua bapak aku dah expect aku bayar sendiri
dia ingat cukup rm1000 tu nak isi minyak, parking
starting this month, aku kena dah beli top up sendiri.
(selalu bapak aku top upkan rm30-rm50 ikut belas ihsan)

aku jealous dengan seorang kawan aku ni.
adik beradik lagi ramai 2x ganda dari aku
bapak dia pun kerja biasa je.
tapi kenapa bapak dia takdelah ikut sedap mulut je menghentam anak sendiri
kenapa ayah dia tak buat dia macam aku?

orang selalu ingat aku ni mewah
haram
baju pun kena merayu kalau nak beli
rasa macam mengemis dengan bapak sendiri
hina sungguh dah aku rasa bapak aku buat

menyampah dah aku
kalau ayah aku kerja biasa je
takdelah jadi macam sekarang kot
masa banyak habis kat kerja
duit pulak, aku pelik.
sebab ayah aku ni baru naik pangkat
tapi kenapa macam baru tambah keluarga?
nauzubillah

aku asalnya nak cakap pasal kenapa mak aku tak kasi dengan rela hati bagi aku pergi engagement kawan aku
tapi tiba tiba binatang ni pulak yang keluar

mak ayah aku ni takde pulak nak galakkan anak2 dia berdikari
lepastu bila sampai masa
nak baling ke dalam hutan
lepastu hiduplah kau pandai pandai

susah jugak jadi mak bapak ni
tapi aku rasa susah lagi jadi anak pertama yang kena jadi 'jaring' pertama
tikus putih makmal

aku nak pakai duit gaji aku je kot
tapi ye lah karang aku pergi, nanti duit short, mulalah nak cakap macammacam
mak aku ni dahlah suka fikir bukan bukan
lepastu masalahnya jadi kenyataan
penatlah aku

memang drama hidup aku
sebab aku cuba berusaha nak dapatkan apa yang aku nak
tapi kalau mak bapaklah penghalang kau
apa lagi aku boleh buat?

berdoa supaya sesiapa kutip aku jadi pasangan hidup?
lepastu baru aku bebas?
aku tak mintak bebas mana pun
tapi kalau sikit sikit kena condemn
macam sial jugak lah rasanya
batu kalau hari hari air lalu pun lekuk
besi kalau kena panas pun lama lama terbentuk pedang

haruslah aku ambil pedang tu tusuk jantung ni
biar semua puas hati

tapi hidup ni tak semudah tu
aku ada agama, mak bapak, nama keluarga nak kena jaga

berbalik ke isu bertunang kawan aku.

aku ingat nak tanya mak aku nanti nak gerak ke stesen ktm macam mana
sebabnya mak aku ni dah tetiap weekend asyik ulang alik ke arau je.
petang jumaat lepas balik sesi pagi dah gerak ke sana dah
alih alih mak aku 'bagi pendapat' (im sorry but i didnt ask for it)
"bukannya dekat."" bukan murah tiket." blablablabla
MAMPOS

either way, aku akan kena jugak.
kalau aku pergi, akan dikata degil, tak nak dengar cakap, bermasam muka, macam macam lah
kalau aku tak pergi, CONFIRM mesti tanya "dah tu haritu kenapa tak pergi?"
padahal benda dah lepas.
bapak aku memang layak lah jadi lawyer. lawyer buruk lah kot. tu pasal tak dapat jadi.
jadi polis je. ha hamek.

aku ingat kekangan kewangan aje
dah tu rupanya borang kebenaran pun sangkut juga.

ha mampuslah
malas aku nak fikir, lepastu hasilnya habuk pun tarak

baiklah aku tutup mata
beli je tiket
13hb, 11 malam aku pun sampai kl sentral dan kawan aku akan datang pick up

if only it was that easy

Kedut

I WANT TO AGE GRACEFULLY TOOOOO

just like Julie Andrewsss

Ann neeedssss funnnn

damnit i need some fun in my life.

WHATRTTTTTT SHOULD IT BEEEE

i hate living far from my friends why god why

i feel like i've been missing out A LOT :'(

DISTANCE SUCKS

i need my friendss around :( :( :(

yeah well perhaps this distance should teach me something. That maybe even if i'm around, it's not me whose they gon be with i guess....

with Q getting betrothed, i should be happy for HER but why do i feel miserable whyy it's not like i could never see her again ke apa kan

dammit why don't i have a bestfriend to tell this to??

eh eh kalau ada perhaps i wont feel these though ha ha ha hambar

Dear God

how to have bestfriend 101.

correction.

how to have permanent bestfriend 101.

Sempat lagi ke. aku dah 24. :(

Saya masih percaya dengan mantra ini: "segala sesuatu ada waktunya." 

-perempuansore

Perhaps

i could never care less if any of my friends want to flaunt his/her wealthiness.

Maybe he/she's gone through enough

Maybe he/she just feel like doin it

Maybe he/she is a snob

Maybe he/she thinks it's important to show the world what he/she has

Maybe he/she just thought of a way how commoners do things and they just want to act like one

Maybe for whatever reason there is

Unless they gon shove it on my face lah

When that happens, yes please fudge off bcs you're annoying me much

Well, who wouldn't be?

aku hanya serangga

sometimes you thought it really matters to let them know of your feelings. sometimes they do not aware that we've mustered like, a whole LOT, of courage to let them know of things you think that's matter to let them know. and sometimes too, they don't even realise you meant a lot to them, and that's why you thought they should.!But then they don't.

i miss having someone i can call mine. 

but 'mine' is such a selfish word...

Udang bangang

asal makan udang je muka kembang semangkuk..........

muka akulah paling teruk ni... leher ada sesikit. kat lengan ada la 4,5 dots macam nyamuk gigit. bahu lagi. tapi muka........

takpa! baru telan cetirizone! aku ada ingat Kak Ita pesan kalau allergy boleh cuba telan mana2 ubat selsema. setelah meneliti koleksi2 ubat di rumah, aku pun jumpa Cetirizone. Jadi untuk mengelakkan supaya aku tak jadi doktor sendiri, aku pun meminta nasihat doktor. mudah aje sekarang kan. tweet aje. God bless you all, nice doctors and doc-to-be!

Hymn for the weekend

May God bless whoever runs KTM now.

Kemudahan surau dan cafe saaangat selesa. For me it's enough lah.

Kali pertama aku solat kat musolla ETS. sebelum ni solat di tempat duduk aje. Telekung dan sejadah dah disediakan. Takdela besar mana, tapi cukupla untuk satu orang/dua orang solat.

Aaaanyway. aku baru balik dari mengambil jubah. Menginap di rumah Ati. nasib kau la Rumah dia tengah renovate. tapi selesa je pun. sebab bilik Ati dah lama siap. Bilik air dia fuh puas aku mandi pasal pakai air kolah. Shower memang ada tapi pakai air kolah syahdu + nostalgic sikit kot. Lol.

Kelmarin penat beratur dalam panas. tapi alhamdulillah la kami sihat walafiat. aku tengok ada sorang brader tu siap dengan  crutches ambil jubah. So aku sangat bersyukurlah dengan kesihatan aku sekarang.

And baaaaaaanyak sangat aku splurge untuk makanan. Nak harey hari jumaat tu sampai sampai je melepak di nü sentral. sementara nak tunggu Ati habis kerja, sempatla aku makan macam2 jajan [read: 2 servings of takoyaki, hot n roll(pizza beef), chatime regular sized, bebola ayam & mashed potato masa tengok wayang seram]

lepastu lepak surau GSC pulak. adalah dalam sejam jugak ke 45mins je entah.

lepastu Elle datang, Ati pun. so kitorang lepak minum minum di Gravy Cafe amenda. lepastu pekena sushi dengan sashimi di Sushi Zanmai. i forgot how good it was there. and my first time pekena sashimi di situ? terharuuuuuu sebab kenapa s-e-d-a-p sangat. aaaaasfhdgjkllzxbmvn

Lepastu pergi Melur & Thyme pergi jenguk kejap firmmates Ati di situ sebelum bergerak ke Bangsar untuk berjumpa dengan Ayun. Kat situ kitorang lepak PappaRich. Mula mula ingat nak lepak Nirwana, tapi macam biasa, tempat tu penuh nakharey so tak jadi. 

Esoknya (hari Sabtu) jam 12 gerak ke Shah Alam dan lunch di Orkid Thai dengan classmates Ati. Lepas makan, terus gerak ke UiTM. so sampai dalam 2.45ptg jugak. By 5, baru selesai semua alhamdulillah! Lepastu lepak dengan Ayun bertiga kitorang (Aku Ati Ayun) kat Kedai Kopi. Semua pakat pakat order air je semua dahaga ya AMAT. aku dah order air kelapa. My thirst is quenched! Ayun chow, kitorang pergi kedai telefon kejap pasal aku nak tukar tempered glass phone aku ni. Tapi yang gelap biasa aku pakai tak ada stock. aku suka yang gelap pasal aku ada silau jugak rabun aku no. dan paling penting people cannot peek whenever I'm on it. Sayangnya dah tak ada, aku tukar jelah yang biasa rm8 :(

Lepas tu ke Wong Solo. Ati baik giler melayan kerenah anak dia yang sorang ni lolz.

dalam jam 9 kitorang dah gerak balik Langat and i thought to go tunjuk bintang later, tapi tak jadi sebab Ati sibuk mengemas rumah dengan ahli2 keluarga yang lain. dalam 2 pagi baru selesai semua kot rasanya.

dan harini, not much. tido sampai jam 10, aku asyik bangun baring tido mandi baring tido last2 aku kejut Ati suruh dia bangun mandi herherherherrr

dah breakfast rumah Nenek Ati (buruk tak perangai datang makan aje i know jangan marah) kitorang balik rumah Ati balik (selang 2,3 rumah aje) main main phone kat ruang tamu, terlelap di situ sampai 2,3mins sebelum Azan Zohor berkumandang aku terjaga then lepak bilik before solat. dah siap semua, gi rumah nenek salam semua orang, diorang ajak lunch pulak amboi lauk sedap sedap lagi pulak aku kontrol diri makan sikit aje walaupun Salad Nogori aku macam melantaks sikit. eherherher

jam 3.40petang kitorang gerak, dalam jam 5 baru sampai Nü sentral. gi lunch (again) i ate Lamb Kofta not bad. saiz Small je pun kenyang macam makan satu ekor kambing (acah sangat) itupun dalam RM67 nokharey. then akupun kocoh kocoh la salam peluk cium Ati semua ke Platform 9 3/4 ok acah Harry Potato. Dah lari lari tengok2 delay 15mins. aku nampak ada kedai buku. masuk kejap dan nampak buku2 untuk belajar bahasa Asing. Cari bahasa Jepun dang it nampak Vol 2 je. Vol 1 harey habeh kena telan ka. lepastu terus diorang buat announcement Train dah sampai so aku tak belilah :( sedih

dan sekarang aku masih dalam train. baru lepas Ipoh rasanya.

semoga perjalanan kami selamat.

Amin.

Tq Ati for your hospitality wuaa nak nangis sebab terharuuu

xoxoxo

p.s. tak lupa buat MakCik umur 70 yang duduk sebelah aku yang sangat wise dan aku ada berharap sikit supaya mak mertua aku cool sebegitu. or susah sangat, aku aje jadi gitu.

p.p.s. Q is getting married. She'll be getting engaged before 30th of May (of this year jugak can you believe that!), sebelum parents dia pergi Mekah.  Paling  awal, mungkin Sept dia akan nikah. tarikh bebetul betul katanya later baru decide. I'm soo happy for herrr but i feell soo sadd jugak at the same time :'( 

Why?

Law. At first i was hoping I could finish law foundation as soon as I can. I hated it. It was so hard. I blamed myself for not being good enough for dentistry or tesl. But one day I brace myself and say to myself. Maybe this won't be so hard if I stop being so hard to myself. So I let loose and try to learn to accept the fact that taking law might be the best for me.

now I feel that taking law is so important because i'd like to know more about our legal system. Well i feel that it isnt so bad after all to know more about law term or law language. And I think it's great to learn about law first, before we start to criticise or asking govt to amend them. Taking law challenges myself to learn something that is more serious in my life as i tend to take things for granted... I just hope i can survive my degree well enough to catch my dream.

Law makes me think hard whatever we could do to change the bad system of govt. As one of my lecturers ever said to us, '' sometimes govt needs somebody to remind them things they might have overlooked." i could never agree more with that.

And last but not least, i want to make my dad proud of me. I want whatever he has sacrificed for me to be something that he'll never regret. I'm hoping to take care of my parents one day with their proud smile of me as my encouragement to live my life. 

Thankyou.

Ann.

January 19, 2013, 12.10pm.

aren't we?

we avoid to discuss taboo things. but in quiet one will grow out of curiosity. 

people tend to venture things they don't understand. Just out of curiosity. and for the sake of being different from others too, i guess.

Tak logik!

Most of the stories of my life doesn't make any sense. Sometimes illogical. 

So Ibu never seemed to trust me wehenever i try to explain. Nor that she cares more than what she really presumes anyway.

Japan

i really, really, really, really, really, want to go to Japannnnnnn

nak pergi theme park dia

nak rasa semua japanese food

semua japanese games

else bawak balik lelaki jepun yang segak segak oso can lah why not

nakkkkk pergiiiiiiiiiiiii

kalau dapat hadiah convo ke memang cantik lah sesangat.

or hadiah belated birthday ke.

nakkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

haihs.

aku selalu jealous dengan orang.

Orang2 yang confident bila berjalan

bila diambil gambar

bila senyum

bila bercakap

bila bila je

yang don't give a pug whatever you want to say about them.

pukul berapa aku nak macam tu :(

Uh

i did not just cry JUST BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY.

pak cik mee pata padang kota tu lahh! Baru pi cari mee ka apa

the beauty that kills the beast

In the end, it's beauty that matters. 

born with it. or die without it. 

or might as well "rent it".

remember, no ugly girls. just lazy ones.

Jeans negara

apparently i couldnt fit in my favourite jeans anymore but masalah negara is bigger than this!

Bila mak sentap.

Kengkadang aku terasa jugak dengan mak aku. Tapi apa nak buat kan. Aku ni anak je. Yang penting jangan buat mak ayah terasa kan. Hati anak ni apalah sangat.

Mak cakap ikut sedap mulut pun redha je lah. Tapi bila dah dalam persekitaran yang 'ikut sedap mulut' tu, tak mustahil lah "bagaimana acuan begitulah kuihnya" tu kan.

Tapi bila anak TERikut (sebab dah diasuh begitu), agak agaknya sekadar MAAF je cukup tak? Yelah. Mak yang buat kan. Bukan anak.

Tapi anak ada banyak. Anak ni buat tak apa. Anak ni buat tak boleh. Takpa mak takpa.

Mungkin kita sama-sama Tuhan belum buka hati. Tuhan masih kasi peluang untuk kita sedar diri.

Takpelah Tuhan. Aku ni anak je. Mak tu tetap mak. Aku cuma harap suatu hari nanti aku takkan pernah buat macam ni pada anak anak aku. Sebab aku tahu betapa sakitnya hati seorang anak bila mak sendiri bercakap tanpa memikirkan bahasa yang sesuai. Tapi tak semua anak dapat rezeki macam tu. 

Takpe Tuhan. Aku sedar tuhan kasi aku nampak supaya aku boleh memaafkan.  Aku sedar Tuhan cuma nak ingatkan aku yang manusia penuh kekhilafan. Baik aku. Baik mak aku. Mahupun kau yang sedang membaca ni.

thank you.

you know when you feel soo GRATEFUL to friends who still stay with you through your thin and thick but you cant say anything because you think you'd scare them away.

poor Ibu. i know she is not happy with the way Ayah's treating us. sibuk sangat bekerja. mintak kita paham, tapi susah betul bila kita mintak Ayah paham Ibu. 

i know ibu's been weeping silently bcs Ayah's been neglecting her. it's almost 26 fucking years and he still doesn't understand how to treat Ibu. ibu's been doing her part. not perfect but she's giving it her utmost effort.

now can i say he's such an ignorant and selfish person?

if this is marriage, then i don't want it.

not in million years.

Dear God, please let Ayah realised everything before it is too damn late :'(

What A cute little boy. NOT!

Got a pink rose when i was 15. ALMOST flattered until i found out i wasn't the only girl who received it. So i gave it to him back. Amenda entah.

"Confidence isn’t “I know she likes me”, confidence is “I’ll be okay whether she likes me or not.”

cita cita

ada satu hari nanti aku nak kupas pasal faith. MY faith. tapi malas nak taip di phone. malas jugak nak buka laptop. 

ha pergi mereput di sana

to each and every one of you

no offense but im ugly and have a crush on you

Aha seri baru balik dari tengok orang betunang kah?

Baru nak puji and gonna say it out loud."Eh, cantiklah pela....." -________-

 baru tersedar yang TIBAHJAH aku minat pelamin pulak amboi

Guibo

Weh that girl was damn lucky lah she got Guibo's driver license..... but then she was a cutie. Mixed portuguese some more. but then i don't know how he looks like. takut pulak nak tengok. because i was soo in LIKE with his talk! I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM! 

after listening to him EVERY morning i thought eh this guy is damn interesting la dey.

but then.. i found their topic this morning quite interesting lah because i kinda can relate with it. "Have somebody ever hit on you?". something like that lah.

anddd i thought i should write it off here. 

(after the flirty sesh semalam tak rasa nak call Flyfm pagi pagi buta ni dah kot)

eh later lah i sambung!

eyes full of hearts

i think Hafiz Hatin, Geebo, Sharul Shiro are funny and fun to be around.

Nazim Othman, Amar Baharin and  Afiq Muiz are cute. 

i called up Flyfm this morning and confessed up to Geebo! ha ha ha

i don't even know how he looks like but.......entahlah. Lol.

aku call tu sebab nak dedicate lagu (Buble's Haven't Met You Yet) kat Geebo. dah tu diorang suruh nyanyi pulak. my voice was like shrivelling bcs i never expected for me to really got through their lines. sheeesh. if not i'll sing better. dahlah nyanyi part intro je. *facepalm* patutnya aku nyanyi part chorus, tapi sebab nervous punya pasal. my hands were shakin kottt macam ada suis on off pulak and it automatically does it from time to time kalau tengah nervous lmao.

Nah. song gei ni.

THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME BUYING THING AS EXPENSIVE AS JUST NOW.

Rm238 might be cheap for you. Not for me. I just hope my sister'll like it. 

One thing for sure, i know my other sister would like it, no matter what.

Ni lagi satu. I got to buy a present for a guy lawyer at my workplace. A good Pen macam bagus kan?

dupe oh dupe

Hey have i wrote here i gave Ibu a product of Secret Key?

Well if not let me enlighten you. aku tengok mak aku macam dah lama usha SKII Facial Treatment Essence ke entah nama dia tu. and i thought eh ni mesti mahal.

Then, one day I saw a dupe for this SKII product along with SKII product itself. so selepas menimbang tara, i decided to buy Ibu this dupe instead. Sebab i thought oh this dupe is better. 

but then... i saw it didnt even..LUAK..

and i waited. and waited.

i even transferted some of it into a 15ml(kot) spray bottle, hoping that would make it easier to be used. Fat chance.

hmm..silaplah pergi beli dupe walaupun harga lebih kurang je dengan SKII tu...

sedih jugak sebab tak terpakai pun. Aku ada jugak terfikir, kalau aku pakaikan pun takpe. hehe.

tapi kita dah bagi kat orang, takkan nak buruk siku pulak kan. 

tapi aku takut nanti sampai benda tu sampai dah expired pun takdak sapa pakai.. Hmm...:( Biar je lah..

Worth a cry. Or two.

"Sometimes i wonder to myself how foolish i must have been to put together puzzle pieces that were never there, and call it love.." 

- @internallylost

"Sorry, hang!"

aku hang kami ampa i you 

aku baru sedar yang i'll use them interchangeably kalau dah selesa dengan seseorang tu. Sorry!

ibu

I look at Ibu. Admiring how strong she is to get up no matter how tired and prepare us food on the table.

 May Allah bless you, Ibu.

Suaraaaa

On the early days when my brother's still in its stage of voice transitioning, my mom kept mistaking me for my bro and i'm like whaaaat's that suppose to mean......... -________-

Honestly

Honestly moms' "because i said so" sounds WAY better than "Oh awak ingat awak dah besar sangat? dah pandai melawan dah sekarang ni?"

So i'm not allowed to grow up now? 

So you're teaching me how to never think for yourself, how to learn to stand on your own feet, and know how to make decisions for yourself?

And you got mad at me for not knowing how to decide for myself about this and that. 

Telur mata.

baru teringat minggu ni HARI HARI apa benda je aku order mesti ada telur mata...........lepastu jeans pun semput.....

tapi tak ada telur mata tak 'kick' ):

dan apa lah punya nasib setiap kali nak shopping mesti masa perut tengah naik itu ini tengah naik. ini dah sebulan tak bersukan. ha padanla muka hang.

Past matters.

yeah i care about people that are circling me. that's why if you're in my past, but then one day "xxx requests to follow you" i'll look at you hard. very hard. thinking what has this person ever made me feel towards them. Did they left nice feelings or not? if none, then no, off you go. 

Why you asked me? Because i used to be so bad with people (and i still am) so I'm not going to take risk by poking my terrible past by reconnecting things that was never even there thank you very much.

Pretty smile

I wish i had great smile like Anne Hathaway.

I wish better for my future partner to think that my smile is as pretty as hers.

Will there be "The One"?

"Why me?"

"Because you saw me when I'm invisible."

yeah well i'm starting to realise i'm making my way to become the next Evil Queen who's going to spend the rest of her life alone. 

or with an eeevilll looking cat.

Bertenang, Ann.

sometimes you just found solace in your doctor's assurance. 

though you realised nothing is quite certain except Him.

dedulu boypreng aku ada dimple. comel siak. lepastuw aku selalu ejek dia cacat hahahaa. marah betul dia masa tu.

tak lama lepastuw dia jumpa orang lain. le fin.

lunch bersama.....

aku rasa exposé paling besar untuk makan tengah hari ini adalah.... bila duduk depan senior clerks dua orang ni.

automatik terkontrol cara makan semua ha ha ha. sopan santun je gituw. 

haih mana lah tahu bakal mak mentua aku esok silap2 kawan dorang ke kang tak ke kantoi ishhh

click your indicator don't have to pay what

Look. i don't have any problem to give way to others, okay?

But please lah. please click on your indicator before doing that.

If you ever did that while we're at quite distant space, tak apa. my brain may read your act early. this one kind of fella, the space between cars almost sehasta baru nak tukar lane ni apa cerita lah gila.

macam tadi, dah sampai kat tol. tiba2 got this one kancil Pagoh 419 all of sudden main  menyelit je kat tol tu. at first i thought, oh maybe the line was too long and she needed to be quick or what. i looked at cermin. no car at all yet. lepastu i thought jugak. oh maybe i bcs i overlapped the lane next to mine. no i did not. so.. i honked at her lah. yes her. a nurse. this is no my first time became victim to kegilaan committed by a nurse. tak paham betul aku. dah dekat betul2 ni baru nak tukar lane dah kenapa. 

lepastu pulak. you know the interception where after all cars went through tolls we've to be veeery careful since all cars are going to rummage to three lanes. this one fella thought i'm psychic and just decided to change lane when i already got toooo darn close! alhamdulillah syukurrrr sesangat i got to apply the brake on time ya rabbiii. dugaan betul hari ini.

while we're on it, masa atas bridge pulak, ada satu saga biru and silver nissan accident. saga langgar belakang nissan. teruk juga tu. semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan depa aaminn.

protecting me still dear god

ya Allah what a nightmare weh scaryyyynyaaa ala2 Wrong Turn dengan Dead End tapi versi dua orang pelakon je. Pembunuh yang nak enjoy dengan orang yang nk dibunuh. dan flashback kepada what already happened to people before :'( :'(

where the killer would try to get in to sexualize the victim and we in various ways( includes tubes and electric wires would try to kill him but failed) would try to escape from the room. :'(

why am i even telling this here

Self defense mechanism

To forgive you must forget. Which would be too impossible. so i guess we shall play it like a child does. Sleep on it. Or just forget like things happened. though sakit hati gila gila menyampah.

Bloody Day.

the other day i accdtally kicked a door. there was blood, but until today i still wonder where did that blood come from. definitely there was no open cut or what. Scarehhh

Don't marry just bcs other people is. Please.

if this is what marriage about after 26 years, then i'd rather not be married at all.

Asyik makan hati je.

Tak ke habis hati tu suatu hari nanti?

Aku yang tengok hari2 ni pun dok berdarah je rasa. Meleleh leleh dah ni.

New book.

woke up and thought the dream was quite real. he called me up to tell me that he's getting married and want me to come to his wedding. Wow. Just wow.

Maybe he needed that new book from my chapter too. In his book, of course.

Don't get married for looks. Just don't.

you know, it saddens me a lot when i look at this particular my two favourite persons. 

When one of them looked at the others eyes with love, yet i see none from the other's. 

25 years meant nothing. Clearly to the other.

Janam Janam

Jehnemmm. Kajol cantiknyaa lahai dalam Dilwale tadiiiii. 

Macam mana lah dia jagaaaa geramnyaaaa kata diri yang kalau makan sentiasa tak sedar diri kbai.

Kalau kelakar tu kelakar sangat. Tapi plot dia aku dah boleh agak agak sikit sikit. tak bestnya lahai.

dulu masa kecik tengok movie rasa macam woww. tapi dah besor besor gini rasa tak best dah asyik fikir kasut dia cantik baju dia cantik badan dia solid kereta kereta yang dipakai omg i wish i could have those pretties! Ha tengoklah.

dahlah tak tenteram langsung. asyik nak meneka je keja. tapi aku buat terkejut jugak la bila betul. and the cheesiest parts the usual bila lagu keluar hero heroin nyanyi nyanyi ada kissing situ sini euw tak seswaii ioll gi tengok dengan adiks euws.

okay lah idk what to ramble anymore. Kdahbai

brw kan

A NADIA WANTS TO START SAVING FROM NOW ON!

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH THINGS I WANTTTT. LIKE PRETTY CARSSSSS AND PRETTY SHOESSSS.

DILWALE MADE ME REALISE THAT. I SHOULD STUDY VERY HARD AND WORK VERY HARD FOR M-O-N-E-Y.

AH AND A NADIA WANTS TO GO TO OSAKA TO GO FOR ITS HARRY POTTER SECTION OR WHATEVS